I used to enjoy working in a bank, but recently I've lost interest.
I almost found a fiver on the street this morning.
I was 4.99 short.
So Nationwide have said that they were "disappointed" that it took six hours before someone reported that one of their cash machines was paying out too much money.
I wonder if that is a different kind of "disappointed" felt by their customers with base rate tracker mortgages when they said they were not going to reduce the rate just because base rates had been reduced?
Or people who were "disappointed" that they have been charged 30 for going overdrawn by 10?
My bank manager doesn't give my business ideas the credit they deserve.
I realised we were poor growing up when my mother said, "Don't go spilling anything on the tablecloth, your father hasn't read it yet."
Money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you jet skis, and when did you ever see an unhappy jet skier?
I won the 500,000 prize on the Premium Bonds and called a reputable Swiss bank.
"I would like to place half a million pounds with you," I whispered to the cashier.
"Feel free to speak up, sir," he said. "In our bank, being poor is nothing to be ashamed of."
Benefit claimants - keep yourself warm and save money during the cold winter months by doing stuff, and moving around a bit.
"Okay, that'll be 20p," said the cashier as he scanned my Freddo.
"What!?" I shouted. "But it says 10p on the wrapper?"
"Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually 20."
"Fine," I said, as I begrudgingly handed him the cash.
"Ummm, excuse me sir," the man slid the coin back across the counter. "You've handed me a ten pence piece."
"Yes, I know it says 10p on it but it is actually 20."
My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance.
It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.
My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.
Turns out they wanted one each.
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.
"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."
My mate introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that 100% guarantees payout.
It's called a Job.
We're so skint that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas.
If things get any worse, I might have to cancel Sky Sports.
I tape popcorn to the ceiling.
It's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
If I had a pound for everytime a homeless person asked me If I had a pound...
...I'd probably break even.
America has reached a total national debt of 14.3 Trillion.
They only asked Wonga for 200 until the end of the month.
They say money is the root of all evil, which is why I'm doing my bit for Africa by not sending any.
They've got enough problems as it is.
NatWest have installed the first ever cash machine in a tree in Epping Forest.
If it proves successful, they might open them in other branches.
I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
My wife told me if she ever won the Lottery she wouldn't give me a penny and she'd move out of the country.
Little does she know I've been using the same numbers as her for 5 years.
That'll wipe the smile off her fat face
I've got some reliable inside information about Apple's next product.
I won't be able to afford it.
A new report found that the U.K spends more than 1 billion on redundant government programs.
Another report found that the U.K spends more than 1 billion on redundant government programs
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.