I always stop at the petrol station on the way to work on a Monday morning and fill up...
Who wouldn't shed a tear looking at those prices.

I saved a lot of money on my car insurance...
...By driving with no car insurance.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life.
If I die next Tuesday.

People refuse to believe I had a tough upbringing just because my family home was quite big.
I realise that the house looks big, but the whole of the East Wing was servants' quarters.

I don't understand the point of doing The Sun Dreamteam.
You have to spend 50m on players for a chance to win 500,000.
That's a heavy loss, no thanks!

Researchers found that you are more likely get germs from money than any other object.
Then how come poor people aren't healthier

I just spent an absolute fortune on books advising me on how to save money...

They say money doesn't make you happy:
I'll take my chances being miserable around the pool then, thank you.

Yahoo News: 'we reveal the secret to being rich'
having lots of money?

I've always thought scottish money was like monopoly money...
but accepting a get out of jail free card, that really does take the biscuit!

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

After coming back from the Caribbean holiday, it was straight round to the Mother-in-Law's to show her the photos.
"This is the hotel. It was gorgeous."
"This is the beach. Just look at that white sand."
"This is the pool. Oh, it was fantastic."
"And this is my favourite," I said. "It's the x-ray of the brain tumour that killed your daughter and left me with all the money in the will."

I put on my favorite winter jacket for the first time the other day, and as soon as I put my hands in those pockets, I was immediately reminded that last year I didn't have any money, either.

I recently inherited 10,000 so I took the whole lot into town and blew it at the nearest casino.
Or Barclays, as they like to call themselves.

Just before Magners released their excellent yearly figures, a mate tipped me off & I bought thousands of shares.
Unfortunately, he's been arrested for in-cider trading.

My wife is currently going through the change.
She's got about 4 quid so far.

Two Jews walking down the street, one finds a wage packet. He opens it and starts crying.
His friend says, "What are you crying for, you've just found a wage packet?"
"Yes, yes," he cries, "But you should see the deductions."

"Money can not buy you happiness".
But it can buy you a yacht to suffer in.

Just found out that the average cost of bringing up a child is 186,000.
Now where did i put that spade. . .

Tell you what I'm losing interest in.
My mortgage.

Just joined that new American bank.
The Nationswide.

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

I'm saving money on my energy bills.
I'm using my piggy bank as a paperweight.

"Each morning I look through the Forbes list of richest people. If I'm not there I go to work."

The best things in life are free, plus tax.