I was drunk at the casino last night and completely cleared out my bank account.
I was so gutted the next morning because I know I could have spent that ten pounds elsewhere.

Internet connection, 15.
Laptop, 300.
Course in computer programming, 3,000 a year.
Hacking your sister's Facebook to get to her nudes, priceless.
Some things in life, you can't buy, for everything else, there's mastercard.

Must say, these postal strikes are working in my favour.
The amount of "cash for gold" evenlopes that ive picked up from the depo this week has been well worth popping in to collect.

My wife didn't seem too bothered when I told her I'd lost my front door key the other night.
Until I explained that the house had been repossessed.

If I had a pound for every business I've failed at,
I could afford to start a beanstalk farm.

I was never around when my son was growing up but I've been trying to make it up to him recently.
Well, he needs someone to look after him. There will be a lot of people trying to take advantage when they find out about his 127m lottery win.

Now that I'm married, I keep a photo of my family where I used to keep my money when I was single.

I spent my life's savings on a disused goldmine.
My friends keep having a dig.

A report says that a growing number of Britons are worth 1 million.
The bad news is last year they were worth 5 million

I've got a pony in my pocket.
Or at least that's what I tell all the girls.

How comes, when you have a girlfriend all they want is your wood. But when you get married, all they want is your paper?

"Strapped for cash? Sell your pregnancy and baby
items!"
These internet adverts sure do have a way of raising a man's hopes, to bitterly disappoint.

I knew my finances were bad, but I didn't realise how bad they were until I put my card in the cash machine today.
The machine swallowed my card and a message popped up saying, 'GAME OVER'

What do you find at the bottom of a Jewish wishing well?
Dead Jews with broken rappels.

They say money can't buy happiness.
Not once have I seen a tramp with a smile on his face.

I've just bought a pub for a pound.
Bar gain.

My girlfriend's been trying to help me with my finances.
I think I'd be better off a loan.

Why did Americans invent drive-in banks?
So that cars could occasionally be seen by their owners.

I was so stressed at being behind in the mortgage repayments I ended up punching my three year old in the mouth.
It should get me about 100 from the tooth fairy.

I have always told my children not to marry for money; you can borrow it more cheaply.

Checking your bank statements and realising the Council Tax direct debit doesn't go out this month feels just like winning 100 on a scratch card.

The treasury have said cash-in-hand work costs them billions of pounds every year.
You'd think they'd set a good example and pay VAT like the rest of us.

Pound shops,
Latin name: Primark

No wonder I've been having financial problems,
I just found out my wages have been going directly to rapper Lloyd Banks.

The Koreans have created a glow in the dark dog using cloning techniques.
Seriously guys, why spend $3m on this when the fridge already has a light on it?