I'm a big fan of RAKs - randoms acts of kindness.
For example, I was walking past an old lady's house down my road yesterday and spotted a fantastic wardrobe outside her house with a note on it saying, "Please take!"
I was so pleased with it I went down her house this morning and left a note outside saying, "Any chance of a chest of drawers?"
"If I had a pound for every time someone said that"
I would probably be getting paid hourly for being an english teacher.
I like to pay off my drug dealer first before paying any money I owe to the bank.
Bank managers don't generally come round with a couple of gorillas wielding baseball bats.
Today I was in a really happy mood. I decided to go on my casual stroll around my area, you know? Breathe in the fresh air. But then I came across a tramp.
"Please Sir, can I have some money? My bank account has been hacked into and I've lost my house, car, bed and everything!"
So, me being generous, I gave him a 1000 cheque.
You should have seen the look on his face.
My wife divorced me, and took away millions of my money in the divorce settlement.
Thank god I live in Zimbabwe.
I've just been approved for an any purpose loan.
I'm going to use mine to fund Al-Qaeda.
My wallet is like an onion.
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Why do Jews make great athletes?
They instinctively go for the gold.
Me and my girlfriend are getting married soon, but she wants me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement before we do.
That's fine, but seeing as she's a millionairess, I can't work out why she would want anything of mine.
Why do people always say "That's the best part of a 1000 gone"?
What do they mean 'best part'? 1000 is a lot of money, there's not exactly a bad part.
Why is it that people complain about the amount of money that footballers get paid, then when they see them play they throw more money at them??
Petrol companies: Make your intentions clear by changing your staff uniforms to stripey jumpers and masks.
BBC: "Bank to bring call centre back to the UK"
How about bringing the money back while your at it?
My wife said "You have no concept of the value of money"'.
"I'll bet you a million quid that I do" I replied.
I've started to question how poor I am recently. Whenever I see an aftershave bottle in a magazine, I rub it onto my shirt.
And when women say "Oh you smell good, what is that?" I say "Page 5"
My friends got a real problem with spending his money, he wont buy things even if he really likes or needs them
"You should go and see a psychiatrist", I suggested
He replied, "I would but they're too expensive"
I said to my mate, "I'm very poor at the minute, so I'm going to join the army."
He said, "Why the army?"
I replied, "You get a free haircut."
Since I lost my job, I've been eating into my savings.
But in hindsight, I should have just spent it on food.
Right then mr obama, I want my $25 million reward. Whats that, you dont recall the conversation we had? I distinctly remember telling you the where abouts of bin laden. Oh the evidence?? I disposed of it in the sea.
I was complaining to a mate about the cost of living.
"How much are they asking for your rent now?" he asked.
"About three times a week" I said.
Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, the Nigerian candidate for the post of President of the World Bank has had her application turned down by the selection body in the USA.
Maybe she shouldn't have started her introductory letter with:
My father is a Nigerian General..."
I taught my mate how to win a coin toss the other day,
Gave him the heads-up
I'm desperate to get my HGV licence before me and the lads go on holiday to Zimbabwe.
We're planning to rob a bank and I'm the getaway driver.
Just signed for a mortgage.
Only 25 years and all the petrol in my fuel tank will be mine.