When I was in school I was in a science lesson, and it was a quiz. My science teacher asked the questions and we put our hands up and answered them. The question was, "If lots of cells make a tissue, what do lots of tissues make?"
To which I replied, "A lonely Friday night?"

I remember all the baking I did in home economics in school.
The teachers couldn't see round the back of that building.

'Active children get best grades', claim education experts.
What about Stephen Hawking?

I managed to write half a page about a family member earlier.
Pa.

Whilst getting my hair cut, i was chatting to the hairdresser who was quite good looking. Everything was going great and I thought I had a shot so I built up the courage to ask her the necessary question:
"So, no GCSE's then?"

I got 5 A*s for my A level results.
Just kidding, I'm not Chinese.

Those who can. Can.
Those who can't. Teach.
Those who can't teach. Teach PE.

"Tom cannot attend school today because he has a bad cold."
"Who's speaking?
"My Dad."

I went back to my old school today. It was the first time in twenty years.
I went back for the funeral of my old Science teacher, and they asked me to say a few words so I did,
Method : We put the coffin in the crematorium.
Observations : It burned with an orangey bright flame.
Conclusion : No more homework!

In secondary school I was voted most likely to reminisce.

At school I was always hopeless at fractions, half the time I didn't have a clue what any of the numbers meant.
Well I say half the time.

Me and the wife were called in by my little boys teacher because he's been using racist language.
"Your son has been using some really quite offensive words," said the teacher, "I'm worried about the role models he might have."
"Absolute rubbish," I said, "Come on Ava, lets go, I'm not going to let him talk about Adolf in this way".

It would be great to judge a spelling bee "Spell threw."
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"I threw the ball through the goal."

I took the lockpicking A Level because I thought it would open many doors for me in later life.

Studied: BTEC National Diploma in IT
Job: Checkouts at morrisons

After a seven year old in my primary school had his leg badly broken in a nasty tackle playing football, the school banned us from playing.
Well, us teachers anyway.

I never used to pay attention in school, and my teacher said I'd never achieve my dreams by looking at a window.
I've proven her wrong. I've achieved my dreams, I'm now a window cleaner in Amsterdam.

I failed my physics A-level today.
I was asked to provide an example of an infinite reality loop. Apparently "an Indian man calling his bank helpline" wasn't the right answer.

When I was at school I got an A in English.
Which is probably one of the reasons I failed my English exam.

A mate of mine is a bit worried about his 8-year old daughter. She's not integrating well with the other kids at school.
I think she's a bit young to be doing calculus.

I could count with the fingers on one hand the number of times I've been called a useless Maths teacher.
As long as those fingers were operating a calculator.

I had a girl come up to me today and asked if we went to school together.
"We might have", I replied.
She said , "what year were you in"?
"Erm........ Every year...."

I struggled with my maths exam today.
The question asked "What is the area of the triangle with base ad and height b?"
I just remember thinking "This isn't half bad".

I have not been to confession since I wet myself in school.
I've not been to another parent's evening since.

The real reason to come to school in summer;
Not for the end of year exams, different sports, or even socialising with friends.
Just the constant erections upon seeing bra after bra through girls shirts.