The standard of education in England is getting worse. Today my son came home from school and said "hey dad. I can spell the words HEAD and MASTER now.
"That's great son." I replied. "How did you learn them words?"
"They're above my name on the sign on my office door."

Summer holidays are great....
The 6 weeks where I can share a website with young school kids and not get reported.

Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say yes thank you because drugs are expensive these days. Petrol is expensive as well, so if they offer you a lift anywhere, get in the car and enjoy the freebie.

Last week on Monday and Tuesday I had the best education I had ever had, I was beginning to wonder why they were teaching us so well.
Then Ofsted left.

My mate just dropped out of school.
5th floor window, poor guy didn't have a chance.

I work as a P.E teacher and I have to say the girls are very good at cross-country running.
But I will catch them someday.

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom had just started school.
A teacher commented to the boy that she couldn't believe he was already in Year One and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.
"Cartwheels, I think." he replied...

I remember as a kid I got Chlamydia, Pneumonia and Syphilis.
Needless to say, I came last at the Spelling Bee.

My first lecture was on at university today. The dean entered the lecture hall to introduce himself to our year and said, "Each of you, take a look at the person to your left, and take a look at the person to your right. According to statistics, one of them will fail to graduate this course."
...Thank god I skipped it.

Sky News reports "25 school pupils dead in blast"
Proof that truancy sometimes has advantages.

I was late for one of my lectures at university the other day. Upon walking in, the lecturer stopped and stared at me and said disdainfully, 'Come on then, go and sit with your friends'.
So I went back home.

I leave homework to the last day because I'll be older and therefore wiser!

Exam results are in, got a backwards 3 in English

Just got back from my son's school nativity play. Turns out that whilst polite applause is acceptable, wolf-whistling most definitely isn't.

A teacher in Hull was asking the pupils about what is missing in their hometown of Hull, one cheeky pupil suggested a brothel!
The more sensible answers would be, a sports centre, electricity and running water

I used to think symmetry was really hard at school.
On reflection, it was easy.

My Son scored 0 in his math test at school.
"Son, if you don't score, how will you live up to your idol?"
"I already am living up to him."
"Really? Who is it?"
"Fernando Torres."

There are three things certain in life:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Every P.E. teacher has a little bit of paedophile in them.

Maths exam question
David, John and Steven have twenty coins. They decide to share them out between them.
David has two coins, John has two coins and Steven has sixteen.
Which one is the Jew?

Sitting in my exam, the question read;
In your own words describe the events leading up to the battle of little big horn.
I wrote,
Huber tan bod shabby shab. A Ropy pop Zin. A boo boo ah boo boo.

How are bras different to the school grading system?
There's nothing to brag about if you've got an A.

Teacher: If I have 10 cakes, and somebody asks for 2, how many do I have?
John: 10
Teacher: Ok, If I have 10 cakes, and somebody forcibly takes away 2, what do you have?
John: 10 cakes and a dead body.

For anyone who doesn't understand what all the fuss is about UCAS, just think of it as the student's version a company similar to Royal Mail: they take your money and then fail to deliver on the day you really need it.

I'm not actually sure which is worse.
On my application form for Hull university to study psychology, where it asked why I wanted to study psychology, I put as a joke, "To get inside a girl's head, so I can get inside their pants".
Or the fact that they accepted me and gave me books on hypnosis as suggested reading.

I dont know why everyone is complaining about going back to school.
Personally, I cant wait. And im 40 years old.