A teacher asks the boys and girls whose parents are making a lot of money
John: My mother is a hooker, she makes a lot of money
Peter: My father is a police officer, he makes also a lot of money
Little James is looking a bit dazed hearing this, and the teacher asks him: James, does your father also make a lot money?
James: My father is a truck driver, and if there wouldn't be hookers and police officers, he would earn a lot too!

" I've got an 'A' for my essay."
"Great news son! I'm proud of you."
"I haven't handed it in yet. Any other letters I could add?"

What have school teachers and paedophiles got in common?
It's not very cool to admit it, but all kids try hard to be their favourite.

I remember hearing my grandad tell people he was on one of the first boats to arrive on the beach of Dunkirk but that he was also on one of the first boats back.
I think he shot himself in the foot.

Last month President Obama made a televised speech from a high school in Arlington, VA, in which he said: "Every single one of you has something that you're good at [...] And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is".
Mr Obama was right, as most of us discovered at the age of 12.

I made History today.
Sadly got up to late for Geography though.

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention here please?
Student: Yes Sir, I am paying as little attention as i can.

My results today reflect my mood for the future
CBA.

My English teacher taught me to write about what I know.
He regretted that when I handed in my story about an old depressed English teacher, whose wife is leaving him.

I wish I was 14 again, when I'd leave school with maybe homework and a detention
Now when I go near schools, I leave with an erection and a court date.

The teacher says:
"If you kids in the last row could be a little bit more quiet like the ones in middle reading comics, then the kids in the front row could sleep much better."

I was stopped by a policeman yesterday after he caught me truanting from school in the cinema yesterday. He said "Shouldn't you be in school?"
"No, I'm home-schooled, officer, by my mum" I replied
"Shouldn't you be at home learning from your mum then?" He asked.
"Teacher Training Day" I said.

What's the difference between a nightclub bouncer and Derby University?
A nightclub bouncer won't let you in if you've got a few Es!

My school days were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

I'm currently studying the 'Effects of Friction'...
It's gripping stuff.

Sacked from my job as a primary school teacher, apparently adding a wet t-shirt contest to the school sports day was not acceptable..

I got my A level results today.
I got 3 A's.
A d, A e, and A U.

My history teacher asked me if I ever thought about the present or the past.
I said "Now & then"

I saw a guy sneakily copying my answers in the exam I took yesterday.
Joke's on him though, I didn't study either.

My mate was stressing about his psychology exam.
I told him it's all in the head.

In exams, we look up for inspiration, down for desperation, left and right for information.

Back when I was at school I almost joined the debating team.
But someone talked me out of it.

You could always tell who were the the rich kids and who were the poor kids at school.
The rich kids would come back with a new rucksack and a tan, and the poor kids would come back with a black eye and a new surname.

These maths based questions on Facebook are starting to get annoying. The order of BIDMAS is not up for debate. 5*5+5 does not equal 50 it equals 30 because a system has been set up to avoid this kind of confusion.

At school I was always getting in trouble for fighting, throwing things and disrupting lessons.
But I never once regret my years as a teacher.