My son had a charity non-uniform day at school yesterday.
I thought I'd get him to emulate my look.
I can't believe the school frowned upon black steel toe capped boots, turned up jeans, a white vest and red braces.

"But professor," she said, "I still don't understand. Why are you giving me free tuition?"
"Well," I replied, "I see a lot of myself in you."
"Really? How much?"
"About six inches, but I haven't decided where to put it yet."

Brilliant, I start at a nursery on Monday and I can get away with playing with as many kiddies as I want without any complaints, strange looks or comments. I'll never be detected.
Then again, I'm only four years old.

If you can read this, then you dont need to worry about the English grades you got.

I was reading the paper this morning and shouting about how much I hate immigrants.
Then the exam invigilator said, "Oi, be quiet or I'll disqualify you."

My son Robert came home with a really impressive end of term school report this week.
Dean Fisher's parents must be very proud of him.

Today my teacher asked me "What would you bring if you were stuck on a desert island?"
I said "A plane would seem like a good idea."

As soon as I finished my GCSEs, I dropped English, Maths, all of the Sciences, Art, Geography and French....
... and the rest is history.

my teacher ether loves me or he's a peado.
he keeps putting kisses next to my work.

I left school at 12, and loved it.
All of the other schools didn't finish until 3:30

I was worried after being called into my hot science teacher's office, I had been drawing hearts on my work before handing it in to her.
I was upset at what she had to say. I thought I was doing everything right, but she said I had to change.
I was wrongly labelling the atria and ventricles.

Protractor; now that's a learning curve!

I was called in to my son's school the other day. The teacher showed me the graffiti he'd scrawled on another kid's jotter: "Ranjeev is a Paki and he stinks".
I was furious. "This is disgusting!", I shouted, "I won't allow any child of mine to write such things!".
So I took him home, sat him down, and explained why he should never use tautologies.

I was always taught to think on my feet.
Which is why I could never sit exams.

How did the pen get across the river?
Biro'ing

There's a female teacher at school who's always telling jokes, but I never see the punchline coming.
That's Miss Direction for you.

Just got a letter from the exam board regarding my results. They congratulated me for being one of the top marks in the country.
I had to send it back though - my name's not Mark.

My son goes to school with a boy called Ryan O'Reilly. One day he came home and said, "Dad, you know Ryan O'Reilly? Well, his name is actually 'Ryan...O...Reilly'!"
"Uh, yeah," I said. "What did you think it was?"
"I've been calling him 'Rhino'."

ps3's comes back on online 2 days before all the GCSEs............good to know sony are trying to keep their target audience, fat, rejected, failures

I was lucky enough to receive my education after the end of corporal punishment in schools. My teachers never even raised a finger to me.
Mind you, I was at boarding school, so I got fisted a few times.

When I was in school, one of my teachers was known for wearing very, very short skirts and no underwear, and would deliberately drop pencils on the floor in front of us then bend down to pick them up again - giving us a good eyeful of, well... everything. Eventually the school heard about what was going on and fired him.

I've been suspended from school for another three days.
When my science teacher asked me what my favourite element was, karate chopping her and saying "Element of Surprise" was wrong.

I love going to the local primary school and watching the kids running and screaming.
That chainsaw was the best Christmas present ever.

My son started secondary school today, but he was worried when he heard the older kids flush the new starters heads down the toilet.
I said, "Don't take any notice son, that doesn't happen any more."
"Are you sure" he replied, "because I don't want it to happen to me."
"Yes I'm sure son, They have knives now."

Just had a maths lesson on means, medians, and modes.
It was average...