Free iPad for all iPhone users.
Just hold it closer to your face

All these different shops are getting ridiculous, Toys R Us, Carpets R Us.
There's one near me that sells right angled triangles.
Pythag R Us

I love the three types of radiation. I like alpha and gamma but I prefer the other type, I think it's beta.

My wife is like a Nitrogen and Silver mix
NAg, NAg, NAg

I reckon when we eventually invent the technology to travel millions of light years and get to alien civilisations, we should just leave patterns on their crops and leave.

Parallel lines have got so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
I'm easily lead.

I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you
The more you have the longer you live

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential. Then he pushed me off a roof.

A piece of gold walks into a bar.
The Barman says "Au, get out of here"