If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours... If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you've set it free..... You either married it or gave birth to it.

I saved a fortune on a magician for my daughters birthday party.
I told her he was wearing an invisibility cloak.

I see Miss Beckham is already on a diet trying to lose that baby weight.
"She will never fit into her new born designer clothes at a chunky 7lb 10" said Posh.

My wife and I recently decided to make a will.
Our daughter Emma needs a brother to play with and we thought will was a nice name.

I was in Asda today and saw a mother struggle to smack her out of control child.
So I politely asked her if she wants me to hold her basket, so she could use both hands.

A new study suggests that people with children are happier than people without children.
Clearly, the study wasn't conducted at an airport.

When I was a kid, if I was ever naughty my mother would yell, "Just you wait untill your father gets back!"
She knew it would upset me, because I knew and she knew he was never coming back.

- Mam you're a liar!
- What do you mean?
- You said my little brother's an angel.
- Yes. Well he is.
- I just pushed him out the window, and he didn't fly...

I don't know why parents say to their children, "Only speak when you're spoken to."
It's not exactly teaching them good manners, telling them to talk over the top of someone.

I asked my mum a question today,
'Mum...' I said, ' Am I half Spanish?'
'Why do you ask?'
'Because when I asked Nan who my dad was, she said he was a "Juan Nightstand!" '

The kids are off school this week,
Not sure what I'm gonna do with myself at half 3.

My daughter told me about how she was learning about an artist who hated one of his paintings so much, he covered it in paint so he could start again from scratch. But in doing this, the effect of all the different colours was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen, so he kept it how it was.
I said to her "That's how I feel about you darling."
"I'm the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?" she replied.
"Yes" I said. "But more importantly... You were an accident."

So Mrs Beckham have given birth to a daughter weighing in at 7lbs 10oz
I never realised a woman could give birth to a baby heavier than herself!!!

It's impossible to cook children food.
I can never fit them in the oven.

My son has just turned two and so I have just started toilet training.
As soon as I can do it all by myself I'll show him.

Son: Mom, when me and daddy were on the bus this morning he made me give up my seat for some lady
Mum: Well then you have done the right thing
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddys lap...

The wife and I had an argument over kids again. I've wanted to have one for 5 years.
She wants to keep one forever.

We're really hoping the baby will start walking today. If not, we'll have to drive all the way back to Tescos to get it.

I was at the pub with my mates the other day. After a few too many drinks I accidentally blurted out 'I beat my kids!'
'At FIFA?' one of my mates asked.
Errrm, yes, ok. That's exactly what I meant

Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
Ones fun to squash with a hammer and the other is a fruit.

Little Susie is on her grandparents' farm for the first time. One evening, she sees her grandma plucking a chicken.
"Grandma," she asks, "do you undress the chickens every night?"

I took the kids to one of those play centres yesterday, but never again as it ended in tears.
I got stuck in the twisty tunnel slide and had a panic attack.

Whats the difference between a scouser father and his son
About 12 years

The hardest thing about being the manager of an under seven's football team is having to rotate the squad.
After the game, they all want to be pushed on the roundabout for hours.

I love Halloween, kids come to your house and ASK for sweets!
saves money on petrol for my van.