I was struggling to think up a sob story to help my son get further on X Factor.. Then I realised entering him was enough

With the growing rates of fossil fuels in our Economy, it will be the naughty kids who have the last laugh in a few years time.

Just become a father for the first time, if my baby is crying does it mean I am doing something wrong or am I just rubbish in bed?

What's the difference between brussel sprouts and snot?
You'll never surprise your kids eating their brussel sprouts.

Children are like rules,
Made to be broken.

My 3 year old daughter is like a slinky,
Of no real use but fun to watch falling downstairs.

I came home from work today and my mother-in-law was there playing cards with my young son. I said to him, "You having a good time son?"
He replied, "Yeah Dad, but you were wrong. I've counted them all and Gran is playing with a full deck of cards."

I've just bought a car with child locks.
Now I have to wait for my son to open the door every time I want to go somewhere.

I've just seen an app on the app store called cooking with children!
Sounds awesome but where do I get the kids from?

Last night I told to my mate that like to I kidnap children and hold them hostage.
He was horrified, "How do you sleep at night?"
I replied, "On a pile of ransom money, thanks."

Kids may be expensive but i suppose you never know when you gonna need a kidney.

Due to a lack of funding, the ISPCC can only respond to half the problems faced by children...
So basically, i have a 50-50 chance of getting away with it?

Me and my wife are having trouble choosing a name for our newborn son.
She wants to name him after his proud father, but I'd much rather name him after me.

Two babies are in a pram together.
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?" the boy asked.
"I don't know" the other baby replied.
"Let me check" the boy giggled.
So the boy went under the covers and came back up after several minutes.
"Your a girl!" the baby proclaimed
"Your so clever, how did you figure it out?"
"Its quite easy", the boy explained, "You have pink socks!"

just got back from the hospital after having identicle twins. how am i supposed to pick a favourate now?

As a film fanatic, I see movies in much the same way as I see my children.
In the cinema, every other weekend.

I saw a headline today that said "Teenage Binge Drinkers are drinking themselves infertile."
GOOD. We didn't want them in the gene pool anyway.

New dad Elton John 'expects prejudice'
...Celebrity baby names are just getting ridiculous now

After a day of playing in the snow with the kids, it was nice to get back in the house and snuggle up in bed with them and enjoy the comfort of the warm, cosy bed after our long day in the cold. Can't wait till I have my own.

I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog.
Which is why i've just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping

Son: "Mum, when I was born what did you wish I'd be?"
Mother: "Your father's"...

My wife thinks I'm too hard on the kids when it comes to punishment.
If she has a problem with it, she should take it up with the discipline shark.

I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate i went mental!
we got married 3 weeks before he was born

I am so proud my son has been named head boy, which is a bit strange because he is in year 5

My little sister got homework to draw things that don't taste very nice. I thought I was busted for a second but it turns out,she was just drawing a banana.