The proud father handed the baby to the priest for the christening.
"And what name have you given this little boy?" asked the priest.
"It's a girl," said the father out of the side of his mouth. "You've got hold of my thumb!".
Remind you of a school game?
Me and the Wife have called our new baby boy 'Large'.
We pulled his name out of a Hat.
You know it's cold outside when the dead babies in your shed turn into microwave meals.
My wife asked me to feed our 8 month old daughter. Hope she likes chips and beer.
I added my daughter on facebook yesterday,
now people will just laugh when she says "my daddy is poking me"
I got into a philosophical discussion today.
I argued, "We have no proof whatsoever of a God or a heaven. I strongly believe that when you die, you are buried in the ground and eaten by the worms. Any concept of a soul is scientifically impossible, and all thoughts and emotions are purely chemical illusions of the human brain. Life, really is just a series of meaningless events..."
It was at this point that my seven-year-old daughter began to cry.
When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when you find me.
Sincerely The Bogeyman
I resent being forced into complimenting my friend's children for doing things that are simply part of being human and take no special skill.
Can you believe how big Bobby is now? Oh wow, Bobby is so good at growing. You got a real grower there.
It was an introductory evening for parents and children at my son's new school yesterday. What with all the people milling about who didn't know their way round, the head thoughtfully got some of the prefects to marshal us.
It was brilliant. I got to follow 15-year-old girls all evening and no-one shouted at me once.
Went into an abortion clinic the other day. They boasted "Service with a smile!"
God I love Henry Hoovers!
The other day, my neighbour's son lost all his fingers in a tragic accident, i felt so sorry for him i went out and bought him an Ipod touch.
"What's that Timmy? All of your friends have changed their facebook pictures to cartoons? Well, that's okay then, no beatings tonight."
After being told I can't discipline my kids, Social Services have now gone one step further, and decided to take full custody of them.
Apparently, after already having had a previous warning, glueing them together in my garden shed, is just a step too far this time.
I'm just so confused. What happened to if you can't beat them, join them?
People often talk about the child within them, and I can totally relate to that,
I always eat babies
My wife and I agreed that we had to set aside our mistakes for the sake of our marriage.
We're putting them up for adoption tomorrow.
It's kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way.
I am getting pretty nervous lately. My little 2 year old nephew is starting to learn how to talk.
My little cousin still goes to the pre-school
When the teacher asked her "You have 5 apples, you give half to John, how many have you got left?"
She confidently replied "Four and a half"
The chicken crossed the road, knowing this day would be remembered for many years to come
Well, if i had to describe one fault of mine, it is that I have a habit of taking my work home with me.
I'm starting to think that it is probably the reason why I lost my last job at the creche.
Our school was hard. The playground chase-games were called Electronic Tag.
Some kids were having a water fight on the street earlier, so I rushed out with the element of surprised and squirted all of their faces.
Then I got my Water-Gun out.
Little Johnny : "Where's my Fork and Knife?".
Mum : "Beside your Fork and Plate, and stop swearing"
when someone drops their phone, i react as if they dropped a newborn baby.
i laugh and i stamp on it