It was my 3 year old son's birthday last week, and he really wanted a Buzz Lightyear toy.
I searched high and low for it, from shop to shop. Finally, after hours of looking, I found it, but it was fifty quid. I thought that was a bit expensive, but I bought it anyway.
He opened his present on his birthday, and was so excited that he dropped Buzz on the floor and his head fell off. I couldn't believe it!
At least the toy was still in one piece.

You could tell I was going to fail as a parent from the moment I fired up the chain saw to cut my sons umbilical cord...

My young son loves nothing more than sitting for hours cutting things up.
I think he's going to be a bus driver when he grows up.

I love it when it starts getting dark when the kids are finishing school.

If your child is afraid of the dark you can ease their fears by telling them monsters see better with the lights on.

After my wife said I was tightfisted, I've finally agreed to let my kids get their faces painted.
It gives me the chance to get rid of those old tins of gloss in the shed.

......."And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for meddling with kids!"

"Daddy. I'm too big for these trousers. Look how far my legs stick out"
"They're called shorts, son"

I walked in on my son naked the other day.
He said, "Dad, put some clothes on!".

I always hear that children are dressing inappropriately these days but my neighbour's kid is still dressing perfectly,
With the curtains open.

During my first day of working at a nursery school, a member of staff asked me what I did to entertain the kids; my reply was "finger puppets".
You should have seen their faces after I repeatedly shoved my pinky in and out of Edd the Duck.

Schools have changed since my day.
From blackboard to whiteboard.
From quill to biro.
From cane to dumbell.

My jokes are like golden showers. Probably inappropriate for children, but fun to share with them, all the same.

My 15 year old son is a mute, he cant read or write and has very little hearing capabilities. . .
So i bought him a mobile phone to cheer him up.

My neighbours daughter is an annoying little squirt, my bed sheets are soaked.

The kids round my estate are so tough these days.
I nearly broke my tooth on one today, fair to say I just need to add more gravy.

"He just ran into my car, it wasn't my fault!"
"Sir, you parked your car in a school playground."

So you try and help out by sorting the kids a uniform during the summer holidays!
But end up with a caution for asking staff at Ann Summers if they had a nurse,and french maid uniform for my 8,and 10 year old daughters.

I was driving my nerdy kid to school the other day, when he turned to me and said "Dad, how do I become cool, like you?"
I said "Son, there's 2 simple rules: 1 Always act cool, and 2 Never be seen with losers. Now, get out."
He said "But Dad, schools a half mile away!"
"Rule 2 son, rule 2."

Woman phones an ambulance
woman "you gotta help me, my waters just broke!"
emergency services "calm down. tell me, where are you ringing from?"
woman "the waist down!"

I walked into a room in the hospital to find a man and woman sobbing.
I said, "I'd like to offer my condolences."
They said, "No you don't understand, we've just had a baby."
I said, "I know, I can see it, it's minging"

My 13.00 Shoe Zone shoes for work seem to be failing on me dramatically already. l'll be lucky to get through the working day on them.
The 6 year old who made them obviously hasn't had sufficient training or was slacking on that particular day.
I will be following this up with customer services so that others like myself will not have to suffer in the future.

My 12 year old daughter says she is old enough to stand on her own two feet.
So maybe for Christmas - I'll sew them back on

Kids really haven't got a clue these days.
Thanks to my new balaclava.

So remember kids, when the looting begins, always consider the weight/value ratio.