I'm not saying your child is ugly... I'm just saying you will never have to worry about paedophiles.
I don't like children.
What people don't seem to realise is that babies are here to replace us.
Once you understand that you can see just how sinister they are.
I'm watching my neighbours kids whilst they are away on holiday.
If they leave that door unlocked, I'm in there.
Tip for the day:
When a Census taker asks how many children you have, the correct answer is not, "As many as I can catch".
My mate asked me why my children always blame it on someone else.
I said, "I'm not sure, they must get it from their mother."
How do you get a child to stop wetting the bed?
Give him an electric blanket
Ahhh memories. I remember my mother used to say "There's a train coming, there's a train coming" when she fed me. I used to gobble up the food.
Well if I didn't she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.
My wife and I have seven kids, which I'll admit is an awful lot.
But we're committed, and we're going to keep on trying until we get one we like.
My five year old son painted his 'Bob the Builder' action toy black.
I told him he's ruined it, it'll never work again.
I just watched my daughter's netball team play for a place in the under eleven's final.
What a semi.
I failed my driving test again, today. There were a couple of minors.
The examiner said that I was right slowing down by the school, but wolf whistling is a definite no-no.
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my anaconda gives a phuc."
My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused.
Imagine our surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.
'Boy of four dies in tumble dryer during a game of hide and seek'
Police say his last words were, "I'm getting warmer."
The wife and I decided to flip a coin to see what our newborn son should be called.
He's called Tails.
What's the hardest part of telling your son he's adopted?
For me it was learning Chinese.
Me and my wife have different ways to discipline our kids. She threatens them by saying, "Just wait until your father gets home."
I say, "Just wait until your mother goes out."
We put our kids to sleep by tossing them in the air.
Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
Happy Mother's Day to all my neighbours on the estate.
Remember: if you go out for a meal, take it easy on the WKD as you've got school tomorrow and its nearly GCSE time.
My little girl came to me the other day and said, "Daddy, what is sadness?"
I couldn't think of anything to say, so I ran her dog over.
Me and my wife saw a young boy in rags sitting outside Tesco.
My wife asked, "Awww are you an orphan?"
He replied, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, "I wish I was adopted".
Well, its taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make his wish come true.
"Your son just called me an old cow!" said my neighbour.
"That's disgraceful," I said. "I keep telling him not to judge people by their appearance."
I was sat on the bus today when a little girl nearby, who had been on the bus for a good hour, said to her mum, "I can't feel my legs!"
I leaned over and asked politely, "Can I?"
And that's when the police got involved.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."