Following the results of the pregnancy test I bought my wife the biggest, cutest "Congratulations you're having a period" card money could buy.

At what age do you switch from puppy to dry dog food?
My daughter is 18 months old.

apparently two 10 year olds at the same time does not count as a 20year old!!!

Little Susie was highly disappointed when she discovered the blue waffle that her dad gave her for breakfast wasn't the confectionery delight she was hoping for...

I saw a poster, which said: "Have you seen this boy?"
So I rang up and said, "No, no I haven't."

I was driving past a school during a driving lesson when my instructor said, "Don't go over 15"
I said, "I won't, there's only one in the road".

My kids are right whingers, today I was in the back garden just trying to play a bit of footie with them but all they did was cry every time I got possession, I got so angry at one point I volleyed the ball right over the fence, which I felt a bit bad about afterwards considering the hamster was still in it at the time.

When i was in school all the boys used to say rude words that i didn't understand, so i'd go to the library and do some colouring in. It wasn't long before i gave up my job as a teacher.

Child lock's a great thing to use.
As you get your car crushed...

"Awwwww it's a beautiful baby boy!!" I said to the parents.
I was asked to leave the funeral.

After a seven year old in my primary school had his leg badly broken in a nasty tackle playing football, the school banned us from playing.
Well, us teachers anyway.

"Children to face fitness tests".
Wouldn't mind being the judge of that.
I think most kids are pretty fit...

I was banging my girlfriend last night in every conceivable position, when she yelled out "I love doggy!!!"
Funnily enough, I think they were my first words too.

A boy is walking home to his dad when he finds a used condom on the street so he brings it home with him and asks his dad what it is. his dad not wanting to tell him what it realy is he says.
"thats a twinkie and if you can find anymore fore me i will give a quater for each one". so over the next few weeks the boy gathers 20 of these "twinkies" exchanges them with his dad all at once. then the boy decides to get a chocolate bar so he goes to the shop and when he's getting his money out the cashier goes.
"whoa where d'ya get all those quarters" and he says.
"well I found these twinkies in the street and sold them to my dad, but before selling i sucked all the filling out".

I was driving along the beach on my first day as a beach safety officer, when I saw a little girl holding a wire. She was thrashing about with a contorted look of pain on her face.
Fearing she was being electrocuted, I got a shovel form my 4x4 and hit her with it. Thankfully she let go of the wire.
I don't care if people were screaming at me that it was a kite flying contest for the mentally handicapped, a little girl could have died here!

Was sat in my briefs watching He-man and Skeletor fight with each other when my brother walked in and said,
"Double or quits, If I win their names go back to Susan and Jennifer."

The children have just left to spend the holidays at their grandma's:
"I miss them already," says the mother with a sigh.
"Me too," says the father. "Could you spill some orange juice on my trousers?"

Grr I get more pop-ups then gary glitter at a daycare centre

I was driving home from work today, when all of a sudden a football rolled into the middle of the road.
Luckily I was able to swerve and avoid it, and hit the young child who was trying to retrive it.

I was looking into adopting my second child this week and i made sure to look into three vital key areas:
1. The cost of adopting said child.
2.The ethnicity of the child.
3.Time it takes to cook.

MSN News:
NSPCC: Abused children 'in every school'
I knew they couldn't be trusted!

The Sun: "Worlds oldest conjoined twins: We have normal, separate lives"
Im willing to bet they don't

I just saw a 12 year old boy walk into a pub with a rolled up newspaper.
As he didn't have his parent with him, I presume that was his Guardian.

I had my daughter crying her eyes out today.
She caught me hitting her Go-Go hamster with a hammer.
But the tears soon turned to laughter...When she realised it was a real hamster and not her favourite toy.

My kids are like my jokes.
Everytime I have a new one, it gets removed.