A couple of years ago we had a big family party at my Uncle Tims house
At this party was a giant buffet which included this giant chocolate cake
At the end of the buffet, half of this delicious cake was left
I looked over at my grandfather who had a big smile on his face and said to me
"go on... no one's looking"
i said "are you sure?"
he replied "go on.... no one's looking"
So i punched grandma

My dad always said he would see me alright if he ever won the lottery.
Well he won two million last week and kept true to his word.
He's had laser eye surgery.

Met an old friend today. She told me she lost her mum last week.
"Oh, that's awful," I said. "Have you tried retracing your steps, she might still be where you left her."
Some people just can't take a joke!

As I looked out of my bedroom window at the snow I thought to myself, "How can something so beautiful be so cold in nature and cause misery to everyone but four year old boys..."
...Then I remembered my ex-wife.

I think I must be going bald...
It's taking longer and longer to wash my face in the morning...

Teenage daughters are like that box of chocolates at Christmas...
You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself

My daughter, Charity, is running in our local Marathon race today. Everyone starts at the line across the road.
But not my daughter Charity.
She begins at home.

Once, a farmer had 3 beautiful daughters. One night, each one of these daughters was waiting for their dates to show up. The farmer had never met these dates before, and decided to greet them at the door with a shotgun to see if they were good enough for his daughters. The first date showed up and the farmer greeted him at the door with his shotgun.
The date said "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?". The farmer liked this date, and sent Joe and Flo on their way.
The second date shows up and the farmer greets him with his shotgun. The date says "Hi I'm Eddie, i'm here for Betty, we're gunna get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer liked this date too, and sent Eddie and Betty on their way.
The third date shows up and once again the farmer greets him with a shotgun. The date says "Hi I'm Chuck...", and the farmer shot him...

I have a great life, I beat my wife and kids every night.
When I'm armed with seven chips and a scrabble board, I'm unstoppable...

My wife said she hated me. I said "thats not fair, there is only two things I dislike about you."
She said "what are they?"
"Your chin"

As a joke me and the wife went to our kids and asked them who they would rather live with if we got divorced. To my disappointment they said her.
Joke's on her though, we're getting divorced tomorrow.

I said to my mum "I'm going to the funfair"
She said "Oooooh, will you go on the ghost train?"
I said "No, I'll walk"

They say it isnt about whether or not your partner in life is attractive, its about wether they make you laugh or not,
well my wife fell of the bus the other day. absolutley hilarious.

Yesterday my wife asked me to make her a sandwich.
I laughed so hard and split a rib.
One of hers.

I was sick of spending a fortune on a haircut every other week, so I shaved it all off. My wife hated it.
She said our 6 year old daughter didn't suit a skinhead.

My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so.
My wife however, wants to keep it forever.

Me: 'Dad, can I go to bathroom?'
Dad: ' Kiran, MAY I go to the bathroom?'
I don't care if it's fathers day, I asked first

My son walked down the stairs sad faced in a suit today.
"Are you up in court again?" I snapped. "Everything has been going brilliantly for us the last few days, and now this!"
"No Dad," he frowned. "Its mums funeral today."

In a cake shop with my daughter: "Daddy, can you buy me a strawberry tart?"
"No, you'll end up getting fat like your mum."
She thought about this for a while. "But mummy's not fat."
"Yes she is - you're adopted."

The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink cartridge for my printer. It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic.
When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.
So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. Shes still laughing.

My daughter's really upset today - a boy touched her up at the under 14's disco last night.
I was fuming! I would've punched his lights out if I hadn't been chucked out first.

A young 12 year old girl is being tucked into bed by her mother .The mum say's "Now then Jenny if you pray really hard tonight your wish will come true tomorrow! " Jenny says "Ok mummy , " and off she goes to sleep. The next morning Jenny wakes up and screams " MUMMY! my wish hasn't come true !" "Why's that ?"replied mum "I wished that daddy wouldn't molest me , but he's here licking my privates ! " Mum rushes in and shouts "April fool!!" How they all laughed

My mum just came in from work while I was babysitting my brother.
I said, "Mum, Billy's just died."
She went into a mad panic and broke down in tears, "Tell me it isn't true," she cried.
I said, "Yeah I was only joking."
"Thank god, oh thank you god," she sobbed.
I said, "Yeah, he died this morning."

What's worse than catching your son masturbating while sniffing a pair of your daughters knickers?
Catching your son masturbating while sniffing a pair of your boxers.

I gave my daughter a black eye for being out of line.
A bit harsh I know, but colouring in shouldn't be so sloppy at six years old.