My daughter is so much like my late wife.
Never on time

I got a phone call from the hospital today.
"Dad, you better come down here quick," my son cried. "Mum's going to die."
"Oh no," I panicked. "Who's going to look after you?"

My wife is missing for almost 2 weeks now and the police warned me that I should prepare myself for "the worst case scenario"
So I went back to the second hand store where I sold all of her clothing and bought it all back...

Both my grandads are completely different from eachother.
I call my mum's father "Early Grandad" because no matter where we go or what we do he is always the first one there.
I call my dad's father "Late Grandad" because he's dead.

Me and my brother decided to have a sword fight.
Let's just say he's my half brother now.

I love going to bed with my wife knowing that when I wake up I get to hear those three magical words every man loves to hear in the morning;
''Here's your tea'

We had visitors at dinner time. It was time for them to leave when our
daughter sharon offered to lead us in prayer;
"Dear God,
I thank you for giving me such lovable parents,
Thank you for the visitors and their children who ate all my cookies and
icecream.
Bless them so that they shall never have to come to our home for
supper.
Forgive the boy who was wrestling with my sister on her bed and
the naughty girl for eating sausage on my brother's pants as he slept on the
settee,
and this winter please send clothes to all those poor naked
ladies in Daddy's Cell phone,
& build shelter to the homeless men who sleep
with
mum when dad is at work ...Amen."

I gave my girlfriend the earth, then she asked me for the stars.
She got them as soon as I gave her a right hook.

My dad told me that the quiet times with the one you love is what makes you happiest.
He's always smiling at mums grave.

As I've aged, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more.
I think I should move out, it's starting to get weird.

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law."

I was at the self-checkout at supermarket today when a message popped up which read "Could you do with one less bag?".
"Yes", I thought, "but unfortunately she's my mother-in-law".

I recieved a phone call on my mobile from my son's school teacher today.
"Your son hasn't turned up for school for over a week," he exclaimed.
"Well, speak to his Gran," I snapped. "I'm in prison!"
"What about his mother?" he replied.
"Why do you think I'm in prison?"

Every woman has something beautiful.
In my wife's case it's her younger sister.

Why is your mum so fat?
Every time she swallows, I buy her a cake.

Your mamma's so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed the whole first season of Lost.

Me and the wife had a play fight this morning.
she threw hamlet but my Tempest really knocked her for six

My wife and my life are quite similar.
I know one day they're going to leave me but they would never have the courage to do it when I'm awake.

Now that I'm married, I keep a photo of my family where I used to keep my money when I was single.

My wife and kids are my heart and soul. They're slowly being destroyed through my alcoholism and heroin addiction.

My wife reckons I don't treat my ginger stepson fairly:.
"I can't believe you won't let him come on holiday with us" she said "He's always wanted to go to Disneyland"
"I don't care, he always spoils holidays for his brother and sister" I replied. "Why should we let him ruin this one too?"
"Because he'll be dead in two months and the Make-A-Wish Foundation said the holiday was for him."

I fear the moment that the world as we know it changes, the moment that makes you a different person.
Your mum added you as a friend to Facebook.

Apparently my wife wants to divorce me because of my appearance. I haven't shown up in two years.

After the christening of his baby brother, little Jack cried all the way to the car.
"Why are you crying, Jack?" asked his father.
"Because the vicar said he wanted us to grow up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you and mum," sobbed Jack.

The last few weeks have been brilliant spending time with my wife and children
But it was difficult explaining that daddy will soon be gone and wont be around very much.
But come on football season is about to resume.