"Daddy, why is mum zig-zagging down the garden?"
"Quiet son, I'm trying to aim."
When my older brother and I were little we were always playing Robin Hood. Only thing was, he was always Robin Hood and I had to be Little John.
After a while I got sick of this and told him I wasn't playing any more.
"Ok" he said. "We'll play a different game and you can be Robin."
"Brilliant" I said. "Who are you gonna be?"
"Batman" he said.
My husband wanted a campervan.
So I had his white van spray painted pink!
My daughter was running a temperature so I rang the doctor. He asked was she hot.
I said, "Well, with a little make-up..."
When ever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal...
So I leave the wife and kids at home.
When a man holds a car door open for his wife...
...it's either a new car or a new wife.
Got no comeback for that one have you mate?
Well if you want my come back, just wipe it off your mum's chin!
For about ten years now, it's been my job to give my gran her pill every day.
She hates taking her pill, so I mix it in with her morning coffee.
It's tedious making coffee and putting the pill in every morning, but if she got pregnant I'd never forgive myself.
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast when he walked in.
She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
A husband and wife are sitting round the table with their three daughters eating dinner when the oldest of the three asks her parents, "Why was I named Daisy?"
"Well," said her mother, "when you were born a daisy flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would be nice to name you after it."
The middle daughter then says, "So why am I called Rose?"
"Well," said her mother, "when you were born a rose flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would be nice to name you after it." The daughter smiles and continues to eat her dinner.
A few minutes later the youngest of the three says, "mnnnnnuugughhhh hhmmmmddssssssggggtuuuu tgnngnnnnammj!"
The mother says to her, "Oh shut up Brick!"
I'm going to take a picture of my firstborn and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16.
Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centerpiece in our house,
something he'll grow up looking at.
Then when the appropriate time comes,
he will realize that the picture is actually of him,
Then I am going to try and convince him that he is a time traveller.
On the sofa with my wife last night:
Me: Honey, you remind me of an onion.
Wife: Because I have so many layers to my personality?
Wife: Oh, OK, something stupid like you'll cry when you slice me up?
Wife: OK, OK, you'd prefer it if I was battered?
Wife: You either love me or hate me? I'm good in small doses? I can be overpowering?...
Wife: Oh, alright, why then?
Me: You smell of onion.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick your cigarette out the window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look over into the back seat, and sure enough............ Grandma's fingering herself again!
Today, I found out that my father named me Luke so he could say, "Luke, I am your father" and laugh about it.
"Mummy, can I lick the bowl?"
"No, you can flush like everyone else"
My wife thinks I'm weird for inviting my 10 year-old sons' girlfriend around to our house for dinner.
Apparently I should have invited my wife and son as well.
My daughter's school teacher rang me today.
"Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?" he said.
"I know, her mother died yesterday," I replied. "So she won't be back for a while."
"Sorry to hear that," he sighed. "How's she getting on?"
"Very well," I replied. "She's on her third lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner."
I just started to rummage through my teenage sister's knicker drawer then quickly realised I was doing something totally wrong - I should check the laundry basket first.
What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."
Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm were too short to reach.
My daughter came around the other day.
So I grabbed a shovel and knocked her straight back out again.