Bill took his dog to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
Bill replied, "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she is welcome."
I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to 'single'.
I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.
When I asked my Gran what she wanted for Christmas, she replied, "The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends."
Well, we've just got back from the cemetery and she doesn't seem too happy.
Me and my family buried my Grandma this morning...
Her jokes just weren't good enough
On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me... Im me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
My teenage daughter slipped in the shower today.
She should be thankful I was there to catch her.
I'm sure my daughter is going to grow up to be a slapper.
I took her to the dentists yesterday and he said, 'open wide.'
She said, 'I can't - there's arms on the chair.'
When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one.
So one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage. I got some wood and some nails...
And beat my parents to death.
My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.
My mother-in-law said to me, "never put off till tomorrow what you can do today." So I killed her.
"Sit up straight at the dinner table!" said my wife to my son.
"Why?" he asked. "Dad doesn't."
"That's because he's spineless," she replied.
I really should say something but I don't want to cause a fuss.
Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of oils and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'John Constable of Jail'.
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?" He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skiing, roller-skating......"
A woman's mind is just like a Rubik's cube... Much easier to figure out when you smash it to pieces with a brick.
A wife says to her husband, "You make love like you decorate."
Her husband replies, "What, very slow and professional?"
"No," she replies, "I have to finish myself."
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the landlord: "Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers: draft, please."
The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
"Ah, England!" says the landlord. "Wonderful country: the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British stuff," says John. "Hamburgers and Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English!"
"So why keep going to England?" asks the landlord.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Forget rip off sites like Friends Reunited and Genes Reunited. If you want to get in contact with long lost friends or relatives...
Simply win the lottery.
My daughter has some flawless logic.
She said "The world can't end in 2012; I have a yoghurt that expires in 2013."
When I was 15 my parents told me I was adopted.
And that I would be meeting my new parents that afternoon.
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he needs.
A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
My old Grandad used to say, "Fight fire with fire."
It's no wonder the fire brigade sacked him.
My 8 year old son got the Sims for Christmas, he was showing me around his house where he showed me his wife sleeping in her bed, in the kitchen. I'm so proud of that boy.
I always put my coat on to answer the door just in case it's any of my in-laws, then I can say; "Sorry, I was just on my way out" and barge past them.
When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa's back when he was ill.
He went down hill fast after that.
In case you wondered, Father's Day is to thank Dad for nailing your mother.
Mother's Day is to thank Mum for not swallowing you.
Today I realised that I had succeeded as a father, I caught my son watching a Pixie Lott song on mute.
My Grandad always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day, while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my Grandad.