My wife told me her mother is coming to stay for the weekend.
I've spent the last hour trying to get the letters out of the welcome mat.

My mum text me using a ';)' today...
I'm hoping she didn't realise that's only really used for flirting... however, when I read the text back 'oh you forgotten your key :P I'll leave the back open ;)' I did get scared.

My mother's told me that I've inherited my grandfather's genes.
And his shirts and a packet of werthers.

It was my little un's birthday today. We had all her friends over to watch a movie. It's great watching them all laugh together. Now she wants Schindler's List every year!

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your Grandma's idea."

It's my birthday today and as I sat with my dad I said, " So then. About nine months and forty three years ago you were giving mum one eh!"
He said, " Aye, and if I knew it would be the only time in forty three years I would've enjoyed it a bit more."
My brother looked up and said. " Hold on a minute."

My hubby always rolls his sleeves up and gets stuck in ....... I love being fisted

When a doctor remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.
"Neither," the patient replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," said the doctor. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime."

I'm not very happy that my Daughter and her friends are locked in the bathroom spending ages getting themselves ready for a night out.
It took me ages to find a good hiding spot in her bedroom.

The wifes so incredibly slow at vacuuming.
I'm gonna have to put my foot down.

I'm not saying that my parents hated me as a child, but my first christmas gift I can remember from them was a pair of scissors and running shoes.

In trouble with the wife again. Went out for a lovely meal and I said to her, "You've a bit of food on your chin."
When she went to wipe it off, all I said was, "No, the other chin."

The night before last the wife fell asleep in the bath and left the hot water running. It's a good job she had her mouth open or else the tub would have overflowed.

I woke up this morning feeling sick. Unfortunately as I crept into my little brothers bedroom, my dad had beaten me too it.

An argument recently overheard in a primary school playground.
"Your Mum's like a double decker bus... there's always room for one more on top."
"Yeah, well YOUR MUM'S like a double decker... she only costs a pound to ride and kids under five go free."

I walked in on my wife singing the other day.
Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio."
Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?"
"No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."

I went to see a bearded dragon today...
...or as my wife prefers me to call her, the mother in law.

Went on a family holiday to Africa last year. My mother-in-law got bitten by a black mamba.
Terrible thing to watch a snake dying in agony.

My son asked me, "what's an example of poetic justice?"
I told him, its like when a woman falls down the stairs,
at a battered woman's shelter.

My mum recently got divorced and married a guy in a wheelchair.
I don't think of him as a step dad though, he's more a senior roll model.

I was watching TV with the wife in the lounge. I could hear my daughters making a right racket in their bedroom. I shouted, "Knock it off! Don't make me come, down there". My wife turned to me and said "They're upstairs dear", I think she misunderstood what i was threatening them with.

When I was a kid I lived for football - I was either playing football or watching football. My dad said, "I think I'll be watching you run out at Stamford Bridge when you're grown up".
He was so wrong - he got hit by a bus a week later.

I just hit my wife with a memory foam pillow.
She'll never forget it!

My wife's dinners melt in my mouth.
I wish she'd defrost them first.

It was tough growing up with strict parents as a deaf kid.
At meal times I was always told off for speaking with my hands full.