Great. The wife's just told me she's invited her mother round this weekend. I know what that means, no footy or beers then.
I'll just have to go to the pub and kill 2 birds with one stone. But that can wait till I get back from the pub.
I prefer Friends to My Family...so that's why I got kicked out of the house.
My wife and kids said they wanted to experience the thrill of living in a caravan for the week.
So I've locked them all in the gas cupboard while I enjoy the house to myself.
To most men getting married means spending the rest of their life with the one the love, to me it's just like getting your own personal chef.
I came over a bit strange at work today, felt so disoriented I nearly fell off my ladder.
The mother in law must have had a dizzy spell.
Today, I changed my name in my mum's phone to "God." I texted her saying your son deserves a nice car, money and a new phone. look on her face was brilliant
My wife reminded me this morning that her mother was coming to stay this week.
"I want you to make an effort, and make her feel at home," she said.
So I'm leaving her a pillow and a duvet in the kennel.
I walked into the kitchen last night to see my dad cooking tea, I stood and started crying my eyes out, i thought my mum had walked out on us
My daughter's headmaster keeps telling me what a naughty girl she is.
Personally, I'm the luckiest man on Sickipedia.
After watching Who Do You Think You Are I decided to trace my ancestors. I was able to trace my roots all the way back to my father.
My wife and I've just celebrated our Golden Wedding Anniversary.
In all that time we've only ever had one argument.
It started about 50 years ago.
It looks like my daughter takes after my wife.
Recently her weight has nearly doubled.
I mean, only a few months ago, she was seven pounds four ounces.
My wife's just left me because she was fed up of my constantly optimistic approach to life.
She'll be back though, i just know it, and we'll be together forever and never be unhappy.
After months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend's iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it.
Turns out the definition wasn't high enough.
Since I lost my job me and Grandad have been spending more and more time with each other, were getting on so well he's leaving me all of his inheritance.
"Grandad, you shouldn't have" I said, "Now then, the thing you need to remember about Base Jumping is I've packed your ruck sack with a parachute, just pull it open when your about 20' from the ground. Ok then off you pop and no more silly talk about the railway museum...."
My new neighbour came up to me today and said ,
"Alright mate , nice to meet you"
I said "Hi nice to meet you too"
He asked " Mate , do you know when the dustbin men come?"
so I replied " Yeah tuesday why?"
He said "well my wife's body is starting to stink up the car....."
My girlfriend surprised me as I walked into the living room, she held up her card and offered me two lines.
I wish I hadn't rolled up a tenner as fast as I had... Stupid lottery.
I took the wife for a walk in the local park this morning, you should have seen the filthy looks I was getting from the public.
Not sure what their problem was.... she was wearing a muzzle and I never let her off the leash.
I was quite disturbed the other day whilst staying over at my grandparents. They gave me a kiss and a cuddle and went up stairs to get some sleep. The thing that disturbed me was the shouting of "Shake it David shake it".
The wife got dressed up for trick or treating last night, she looked better than she has for a long time.
My wife's been by my side for ages, but she's said she's had enough and is leaving.
Can't blame her, the queue at the clap clinic just wasn't moving.
I was looking forward to my birthday. My Dad said he had got me a train set.
I opened it up and the box was empty.
"Dad I thought you said that you had got me a train set?"
"There's a train strike."
"It's our little secret" he said, as Daddy kissed me on the cheek.
I felt dirty, I didn't know what to do, should I tell mummy or keep it to myself?
I had been betrayed by my own father. I can't believe he'd been shopping in Aldi.
My wife is an awful lot like my alarm clock,
When I hit her, she stops making noise.
My Dad just told me that before he met my mother he was something of a ladies man. He said he used to chase skirts all over the world.
I bet he got a shock when he visited Scotland !!!