My wife just asked me what i would do if she was kidnapped?
I asked her if she'd ever seen that Liam Neason film 'taken'?
I told her i'd watch that.
What bounces and makes kids cry?
Gary Glitter on a pogo stick.
I was planning to take my son off the car roof hours ago.
But all the other drivers are having so much fun waving and flashing their lights at us.
I like Trains.
Because one killed my Wife
I called my dad into my room to fix my computer for the fifth time today.
"This just isn't on!" he snapped, flicking the power switch.
I always hate the risk of coming on to one of your best friends. You never know if it's going to work out or just end up awkward between you and inevitably ruin the friendship.
That's why it's such a special moment when they tell you you're like a brother to them, because then you know it's ok to go for it.
I was in the shower this morning and noticed on my shampoo bottle that it bragged 'Bigger size, better value!'
Shame it doesn't work that way with the wife.
I took my wife into Foreign Exchange the other day and said 'Can I swap for a Swedish wife please?'
Walking down the road with my elderly father, I saw a stray dog walking in our direction. I petted him and allowed him to walk along with us. "You know," I said "I've always wanted a dog." "Well son" said my dad "my asthma, I can't live with a dog!" "That's true" I said. I thought to myself "I'll find him a good home."
"Golden Years Retirement Complex" is just around the corner.
Why is your mum like a pub in Portsmouth?
Because she's crammed full of seamen.
My mother in law had a fatal heart attack this morning.
Theres nothing better than waking up to good news.
I think its funny when I throw my kids in the pool.
My wife disagrees with me though.
She says I should put some water in.
My sister asked me if id liked to come with her,
I got all excited until i realised she was holding the car keys
How do you know when a family get together has gone too far?
You can confirm your Mums a squirter.
A young boy was just being potty trained. When he went into the bathroom though, Tommy managed to hit everything but the toilet. So his mum had to go in and clean up after him. This went on for a further two weeks. His mother found this most annoying and she'd had enough.
The next day she took young Tommy to the doctors. After the examination the Doctor said 'his unit is too small. An old wives tale is to give him two slices of toast every morning, and his unit will eventually grow so he can hold it straight and pee with precision.'
'oh thank you so much doctor we'll see I'd that works!' said the mother.
The next morning, Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table were twelve slices of toast.
'Mum!' he yelled. 'The doctor said only two slices!'
'I know Tommy' said his mother. 'The other ten are for your Father.'
I decided that I would take control of my life...
..but my wife says that I can't.
I went to meet my girlfriend's family today.
"Nice to meet you Dave," my girlfriends sister smiled. "I've heard lots about you".
"Likewise," I replied. "Hows the Gonorrhea?"
It's the Stone Age. A caveman's wife comes running up, screaming:
"Ugg! Ugg! A sabre-toothed tiger has just walked into my mother's cave!"
Ugg is unimpressed: "Stupid tiger. It'll just have to fight its own way out, won't it?"
A man walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at a funeral. As he began to weep his wife walked up to him, slapped him and said, "Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!"
The husband replied, "I know. I thought I saw her move."
Talking to my unsupportive dad the other day, he said "Do you know what the best thing about being your father is?" and with high hopes of geting praise for the first time i excitedly said "what dad?" "going to work" he replied
The wife told me she is leaving me, and a hour later she caught me in floods of tears! She said she is really sorry to do this to me!
What she didn't realise Is that I popped the champagne cork straight into my eyes! Now let's start celebrating!
On a sunday afternoon, me and the wife usually take a look around the dogs home.
For some reason, the mother in law loves showing us around her bungalow.
my doctor asked me if any of my family suffered from insanity.I replied. NO .we all actually enjoy it.
I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate i went mental!
we got married 3 weeks before he was born
My wife said "I've told you a million times. You are the most forgetful man on earth".
"Funny, I don't remember her ever saying that".