My mum asked me to stay downstairs and keep an eye out for a parcel being delivered. I said, "No way! I'm busy playing upstairs!". She told me to bring whatever I was playing with downstairs. She didn't know what to make of it when I returned with my sister.

My dad's tall and my mum's small, I am medium. My dad's black and my mum's white, I'm half caste. My dad's muscley and my mum's skinny, I am average. My dad's male and my mum's female, I'm now very worried.

A religious nut I know told me that my idle thumbs are the Devil's playthings.
I guess my uncle was the Devil then.

Whilst in bed my wife said she knows i've been cheating with the girl next door.
I was relieved when she made it clear that she was talking about my next door neighbour, not my daughter in the next room.

With so many unwanted cats and dogs roaming the streets... I won't bother with a turkey this Christmas.

Saw some Ginger siamese twins today and funny I thought they both looked a bit like Raoul Moat
Then I couldn't help but think to myself that 2 heads are better than none.

You should have seen the misses face when I told her I was into domestic violence.
Bruised.

I treat my radiator and daughter the same.
I bleed them regularly.

My wife and I recently adopted a beautiful little ginger. We had a choice but he was easily the cutest.
It's ok, it's a kitten.

My mother in law was kicked by my horse, she dies from the injury. There are lots of people at the funeral, even from other towns as well. My friend asked me surprisingly if my mother in law was loved by so many people? No, I replied. They all wanna buy my horse...

I refuse to drive my children everywhere and insist they either cycle or walk.
While this has made sure they aren't overweight, the trip to the lion enclosure at Longleat was a bit of a disaster.

Judging by the way my dad reacted when I arrived home stoned last night, he meant something totally different when he said "Son, get out there and live the high life"

Whats the difference between my wife and a gritter?
Doubt my wife will be spreading tonight.

My father got up and announced that he was engaged to be married yesterday.
I was made up for him, but my sister broke down in tears and ran off, missing the rest of our mother's funeral.

Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger.

I asked my mum who my real dad was. She just said; "Some soldiers."

Whenever I tell my wife that we're leaving, I always say "Let's bounce."
Not because I think it sounds better than "Let's move."
I just like to remind her that she doesn't have any legs.

Our child kicked my wife so I smacked him hard.
My wife says I over reacted and that it's common during pregnancy.

My parents lied to me a lot when I was a boy. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, "stop crying and we'll let you out of the box".....

I felt awful after hearing my ex girlfriend had been killed in a horrific car accident. I might never get my Rocky V dvd back.

My son said "If I grow up to be half of the man you are, I'd be happy!" earlier.
I then realised he was talking to his mother.

My young daughter saw some women trying different perfumes. She came to me and said "I want to smell like a grown up woman". So i killed her goldfish and put it in her knickers.

My wife told me her mother was coming over and asked me to be nice to her.
'I'm always nice!' I protested.
'What about last week when she asked if you would get her a drink of water?' She asked.
'Did I not get her a drink of water?' I asked in reply.
'Yes.' She said, 'In a dog bowl, which you put on the floor in front of her.'

I'm going to call my new-born son "Names", so that name-calling isn't a problem when he's older.

My wife left me today, because of my inability to react appropriately in situations.
So I went shopping.