I can imagine the family portraits in the Wheres Wally household are pretty interesting. Probably just a photo of a couch and a lamp.
Me and the wife were going on holiday for a week. When we were packing she turned to me and said "Why don't we pack each other's suit cases?"
I said "Okay sounds fun." When we got ourselves checked into the hotel we were staying at, I opened my suitcase to find 3 pairs of speedos, a few tank tops and 2 pairs of sandals. "Very funny" I said.
My wife opened hers to find a one way ticket back to England.
Your mum's so fat she can walk through walls.
She's like a wrecking ball.
As I checked in at Heathrow Terminal 5, I was told that I would have to pay excess baggage costs.
I knew I shouldn't have brought the wife.
My father always made me live out his broken dreams by signing me up to all sorts of sports teams.
I actually like to think I made him quite proud. Afterall, I did fail them all just like him.
I handed my mother in law a bouquet of flowers and said "These made me think of you."
"They're lovely," she said "What are they?"
"Snapdragons" I replied.
Men want 3 things in a woman:
An artist in the home, an economist in the kitchen and a devil in bed.
What they actually get is:
A devil in the home, an artist in the kitchen and an economist in bed!
Our family were so poor when I was a child, my brother and I had to share everything.
Mind you, you should see how quick I am on one roller skate.
Yesterday I told my wife that I will kill her in her sleep, burn down our house and I hate coronation street.
"How could you?", she said.
"Not really", I told her, "I love Coronation Street".
My Grandad told me one of his favourite jokes from back in the day.
'Three black men were on fire........'
I guess his humour was a little basic.
My wife complains that I spend too much time with my daughter at 'bath time'. Especially now that she has her exams to study for.
My wife's like a Toyota; when she starts, she never stops.
The beach's got everything! Sand for the kids, sun for the wife. Sharks for the mother-in-law.
The wife said that i never took her out for anything to eat and drink,
so took her out for tea and biscuits the other day...
it was her first time as a blood donor.
I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog.
Which is why i've just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"'
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."'
Every so often, my dad invites an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman round for the evening, and me and my dad hide all the chairs.
It's a standing joke in our house.
Kids don't know they're born these days
One Christmas when I was a lad my Mum got me a carpet and told me I could keep it in the living room.
My wife left me because she said i just don't undestand her....
To be honest i dont know what she's talking about.
What does my grandma have in common with the newspaper?
Both have been lying in the driveway for about 3 days now.
My daughter was born with an umbrella sticking out the top of her head.
I'm worried about her starting college, she's led a very sheltered life.
At first I thought your mum was like a bike, because everyone had had a ride;
but then I realised she was more like a bus, as you can fit more people in a bus.
My wife said to me the other day, I would love to travel around the world
I said look sweetheart, hopes and dreams are only satans way of distracting you from making dinner. now get back in the kitchen.
I said to my girlfriends family the other day:
You guys are so funny! You should be in a tv programme!
My girlfriends mum replied flattered:
What, you mean like a comedy or a talkshow?
I said back:
Nah, fat families.
My wife asked me to pop into town to get her mother a gift for mother's day. Apparently she asked for something she can use in the bath.
So I've bought her a toaster.