Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.
"Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
I always wanted to be a comedian as a child. My Dad told me I should practice in the bath, so I did. The bad thing is, he said the same thing to my brother. He was an electrician.
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost.
"Two quid for a cup of tea?!"
I said, "Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!"
I was talking man to man with my 18 year old son when I said, "You'll have kids of your own one day."
He replied, "So will you, dad."
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, no more payments!
So I called my daughter, Jane, to come over to my house. When she got there, I said to her, "I want you to take this last cheque over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last cheque she's ever going to get from me. And I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face."
So Jane took the cheque over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say. As Jane walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face."
The other day, I visited an old people's home as part of my community service.
I asked one of the old men, "How do you feel living here?"
He replied, "I feel like a new born baby."
I thought, "How wonderful," and asked him, "Why do you feel that way?"
To which he replied, "I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just shat myself."
My teenage daughter had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then hung up.
"That was quick," I said. "You usually talk for at least two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," she replied.
When is Mother's Day?
Nine months after Father's Night.
Today I asked the missus if she fancied going to see a romantic film then maybe having a nice meal somewhere.
She seemed really excited. "Sounds fantastic! How thoughtful of you!"
"Great," I said. "There's thirty quid. I'll see you in a few hours, I'm going to the pub."
I arrived home to find the police waiting for me.
"I'm sorry to tell you sir, but your wife is dead." said an officer.
"She went to the bakery, bought two pies, ate one and then dropped dead.
"What happened to the other pie?" I asked.
Those footsteps on the roof can mean only one thing!
My dad's gone and joined fathers for justice...
I went to see my daughter's ballet dancing show yesterday and ended up getting thrown out.
To be fair, I shoudn't have stuffed money down the front of her Tutu, but she was good.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
An alcoholic is sitting outside his home after just being divorced, and notices a crate of empty beer bottles. He takes out an empty bottle and smashes it into the wall screaming,"You are the reason I don't have a WIFE now". He smashes the second bottle screaming,"You are the reason I don't have my children!" He smashes the third bottle screaming,"You are the reason I don't have a job!". Then he notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer and says, "Stand aside my friend. I know you weren't involved."
I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said "Turn off - 500 metres".
Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers, lifting up her dress.
My wife and I have been arguing about whether we should spank our six-year-old daughter or not.
I say yes and my wife says I should wait until she's done something wrong.
It's amazing how having a baby can change some people.
My wife used to be quite attractive.
A man is walking along a beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie thanks the man for freeing him and says, "I will grant you three wishes. But I am a cursed genie, so your mother-in-law will get double what you wish for."
The guy agrees and says," For my first wish, I want a luxury yacht."
The genie says," Your wish is my command!" and poof! A luxury yacht appears, and at the same moment, two yachts appear at his mother-in-law's house.
"And for your second wish?" the genie asks. The guy says, "I wish for 10,000,000."
"Your wish is my command!" the genie says. And poof! A pile of 10,000,000 appears in front of the man and at the same moment 20,000,000 appears in his mother-in-law's bank account.
The genie says, "Now, this is your third and final wish, choose carefully."
"I wish there was a guy here who will beat me half to death."
What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
One of my daughters suffers from a terrible nut allergy.
She's ok with the bell-end and shaft, but she starts to choke and her eyes water when I force my nuts in her mouth as well.
I bought the Mother-in-Law a lovely chair for her birthday.
If she'd only plug it in...
A wife walks in and says to her husband; "I've some good news and some bad news!"
"What's the good news?" asks hubby.
"The air bag on your brand new Audi works fine!"
"Mummy, Mummy! Why do they call me spastic at school?"
"Shut up and take your feet out of your pockets."