So i went to the fridge for some cheese earlier and the strangest thing happened, there was a grinding sound like a crank, and i saw this elastic thing thrust forward, launching a boot at a bucket which toppled over leaving a marble zigzaging towards a chute it collided with a pole which at the top is hand shaped and has a ball precariously placed at the top and it fell and landed in a bathtub, through a hole and onto one end of a seesaw this sends a diver into a tub which is connected to a pole with a cage than landed on top of me, so i couldnt get my cheese... talk about bad days...

The Pope has spoken out against the rise of 'aggressive secularism' in the modern world.
He added, "Remember, anyone who doesn't believe what we tell them to believe will be cast into a lake of burning excrement for all eternity."

"Yeah my dad was a Women's Rights Activist"
"Your dad?"
"Yup"
"Not your mum?"
"No ... Dad would have never allowed that"

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.
Isn't that an ironic time for a bloke to get those odds?

Anyone else find it Ironic that Iron is in Irony,
especially since thats what my wife refused to do this morning,
and consequently thats what gave her the red mark on her face.

Dear Contact Lens Makers,
Why do you make something so small and so see through for people who can see so little?

My wife woke me up this morning by saying, "Happy Chinese New Year!"
I could hardly open my eyes.
Ah what an irony...

"I can't believe my wife says I'm vain and like the sound of my own voice"
I said to the mirror.

I despise people who fabricate historical facts...
So did Winston Churchill's boyfriend.

A senior Afghan peace negotiator has been shot dead in Kabul, officials say.
It was either that, or sack him for gross incompetence.

The ironic thing about smokers is that they are always keen to get out into the fresh air

As a law-abiding taxpayer, it makes my blood boil to read in the paper about the cushy lives prisoners in this country have.
Playstations, pool tables, aromatherapy sessions... I'd kill to have those kind of things.

It's ironic that as soon as Shaheen is available for dates, Michael Jackson isn't.

I've just had my idea for a new public holiday rejected.
What's wrong with 'alzheimer remembrance day'?

BBC News : PM says James Murdoch has 'questions to answer'.
Politicians complaining about not getting a straight answer? Annoying isn't it Mr Cameron?

I dont get most of the jokes on here recently and you English cant even spell properly its remotely you idiots.
America.
--------------------------
Please
a) take note of the following grammatical and structural corrections:
"I DON'T get most of the jokes THAT HAVE BEEN POSTED on here recently and you English CAN'T even spell properly: IT'S 'REMOTELY' you idiots."
b) note the definition of irony before you bother posting again.
England

Loving these riots. I'm having a great time driving round all the ghettos & robbing the dealers houses whilst they're out looting.

My friend who works for Royal Mail's Customer Service Department said that they receive 1 million letters a year complaining about their poor service.
Can you believe that? 3 million people a year complaining!

If I could have chosen any superpower as a kid, It would have been the power of hindsight.

I think my efforts to cut down on using cliches are going well. I'm just taking each day as it comes and giving it 110%

Irony.
Women moaning they spend too much time in the kitchen,
and then wanting to spend all of Sunday walking around MFI.

So there i was on the pavement on my knees,begging the wife for forgiveness... Which was ironic,because it was curb crawling that had got me into trouble in the first place.

First the American's vote a black man into the White House. Then tens of thousands of kids mourn the death of a Paedophile. American's don't get irony do they.

"Man hits woman with a large metal kitchen appliance after creases in his favourite shirt."
That's has irony written all over it.

Had a flash pop-up on the internet which said "suicide bombers wanted!" gosh, I was blown away
decided to take a look and had pictures of suicide jumpers, I thought.. I'm not falling for this