One of my favourite things to do is to try and pack myself into a small suitcase.
I can barely contain myself.
I pulled a big fat bird last night and took her back to mine. I left the T.V on all night and was awoken by the teletubbies theme tune.
She said to me "I can't believe I have been woken by the teletubbies"
I said: "I know, how ironic; 'Time for tubby bye bye.'"
My wife said she is getting fed up of me jumping to ridiculous conclusions.
Which is why she will probably leave me and run off with a milkman.
A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"
The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."
In the last twelve months,the post office has recieved five million letters complaining about its service.As a result,it's been able to anounce record annual profits.
I've just read a report that cardboard packaging made from recycled newsprint can cause cancer.
I'm really worried now as for many years I've been buying my cigarettes packaged in this stuff.
My son asked for a train set for Christmas but I can't find one anywhere.
So I got him a replacement bus service set instead.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof.
I lost it.
My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems.
How do I prove him wrong?
At least in China they make the punishment fit the crime.
Smuggling enough heroin to kill 28,000 junkies - death by lethal injection.
I hate it when people steal quotes from movies.
It makes me angry, and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
They say those who live by the sword die by the sword.
Rubbish, I'm a blacksmith specialising in period weaponry and I've just been diagnosed with bowel cancer.
Just saw my mate who was wearing a really nice anti-racism wristband. I asked him where he bought it so I could get one.
"They've got loads in the Paki shop", he replied.
Prince Charles has complained that modern people are far too materialistic. I wonder which of his palaces he was sat in when he thought that one up.
My friend's name is Luke Hemia and something quite ironic has happened to him.
His fire extinguisher blew up and burned his house down.
"One ring to rule them all,
"One ring to find them,
"One ring to bring them all
"And, in the darkness bind, them."
Ironic that the "One Ring" that has the ability to bind mankind in darkness and bring nothing but pain and misery to the world looks suspiciously like a wedding ring.
I used to be a huge fan of Robocop and now I've just been fitted with a robotic leg.
Oh the iron knee.
McDonald's are offering some great prizes in their Monopoly promotion, including a Mini Cooper.
Which none of their customers will ever fit into.
My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.
Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
MATHEMATICS -- HIGHER TIER -- 2011
Q1) Sindeepa throws 4 unbiased coins and records the results.
Calculate the probability we have used this name because we're scared of being racist.
Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled.
I laughed at the irony.
Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
Just think - the old homeless guy who sits outside my local station doesn't know what it's like to have a full tummy on Christmas Day.
But he will do this Friday, thanks to me -
I'm gonna go down there and tell him.
If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of johnson's no more tears, would it create beautiful irony?
Isn't it funny how at school they've replaced blackboards with whiteboards because they work better?
Just a point.
You know those campaigns intended to stop people illegally downloading movies, and to encourge them to buy DVDs?
Do you not have to buy a DVD to see it?