For the whole of their childhood, we tell children
1. Not to go out after dark
2. Not to talk to strangers
3. Not to take sweets from anyone they don't know
Then every year we have Halloween . . .
In love, you go to bed early.
In marriage, you go to sleep early.
in my diary it says
my goal for this week:
make a goal for this week
Ironically, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are named after something which is rich and vibrant until it goes out of date, then becomes wrinkly, undesirable, and mellows out.
It's a shame Manchester United aren't sponsored by Sharp anymore.
Seeing Wayne Rooney running around with it on his chest would be the epitome of irony.
I was gonna stab that Alanis Morisette, but all I had was 10,000 spoons when all I needed was a knife.
isn't that ironic?
I went into my local off licence and picked up a bottle of Frosty Jacks cider today.
"You having a wild night?" Asked the shopkeeper laughing.
"Nah mate," I replied, "I'm planning on redecorating the bathroom and I see that you're out of paint stripper."
My mate told me he had a deep obsession with feet. I believed him at first, but then I realised he was pulling my leg.
I used to be so insecure in my relationship but after recent events I know for a fact that my wife loves me.
Take tonight for example she ran me a lovely deep bath and balanced an electric fire on the taps just in case I got cold.......
How thoughtful is that!
My girlfriend just said to me i was a waster, with scruffy clothes, no home and no money.
I beg to differ
I now know why they call it a Dental Practice.
They pulled the wrong tooth today.
Definition of irony:
Scottish football chiefs and politicians slamming Celtic fans for their strong opposition to wearing the poppy as the people it represents helped give us freedom of expression.......
15- the amount of times i will smack someone in the face if they inbox me a number on facebook.
I said to my wife: "You're like a snowflake"
"Aw is that because I'm so beautiful and there's none other like me?"
"No, when you first came along I had fun but after two weeks I hated you".
I had a great joke about Madeline McCann, but I couldn't get to my laptop to put it on this site and I knew I'd forget it, so I wrote it down on a bit of paper and left it in the hotel room, but when I came back it had completely disappeared...
Oh the irony...
I like to think of myself as quite a lucky a guy.
Every time I go on an internet site I seem to be the 999,999th visitor! All I do is enter all my credit card details and wait for the prize!
What are the chances!
Have you noticed how all the subversive comedians satire observational comedy by observing something that only a minuscule amount of the audience would actually observe then saying "What's all that about?"
What's all that about?
Ironic really isnt it, all those chances Dwight York got in the box and the one time he produces something special he was in Jordan
How come everybody who's had "LOVE" and "HATE" tattooed on their knuckles always lose the "E" finger on the "HATE" hand?
Or is it that stand up comedians all know the same bloke?
I was chatting up a woman in the pub last night.
I said, "I wish you were my homework."
She said, "Why because you'd be doing me on the table all night?."
I said, "No because you're easy, I'd rush through it and it would be very messy."
I saw a young black girl wearing a brownies uniform earlier. Some people really don't understand irony. I love those people.
I was looking at an online memorial of one of my old teachers and his wife.
One photo had a picture of the happy couple together with the words 'Our love burns like an eternal flame.'
I had to laugh.
They died in a house fire.
The police came around to arrest me due to the negligence of my housebound son...
Luckily I wasn't home.
Irony is people complaining about Facebook's privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their Gynaecologist.
The best job in the world is a bomb disposal expert.
When you think about it you will never remember having a bad day.