Top Tip: if you can hear the police banging on your door to complain about the noise then it clearly isn't loud enough....
Uh.. If you have a good joke, wait til the site is running normally so we can actually vote it up? Don't waste it you gimps.
If there's one thing i've learnt in life...
It's keep the Haemorrhoid cream and the Deep Heat rub well apart in the bathroom cabinet.
Man Utd fans. Clear your club's 80 Million losses by simply setting up a stall where you can be punched for 1 pound.
If somethings worth having...
It's not on eBay.
I clean my house with Clearasil.
The place is always spotless.
One good turn will get you...................most of the blankets
Drivers: When you see those 'accident blackspot' signs you should speed up. You don't want to hang about in dangerous places.
Best way of avoiding being clamped? Buy four clamps and put one on each wheel.
There are certain mistakes in life that you only make once. Like visiting the loo straight after your wife to find red toilet water and the stench of rotting fish guts.
When someone sees you crying, and asks: "Are you sad?"
Punch them in the face, and ask: "Are you okay?"
I have always considered it bad practice to begin and end your sentences with I.
If you purchased 1,000 of Bradford & Bingley ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today;
If you purchased 1,000 of HBOS, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 87 left today;
If you purchased 1,000 of Northern Rock ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today;
If you purchased 1,000 of Merrill Lynch ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today;
If you purchased 1,000 of Royal Bank of Scotland, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 76 left today;
If you purchased 1,000 worth of canned beer two years ago, drank all the beer and sold the aluminium cans for recycling, you would have 188 left today;
Based on this example, my investment tip is:
(i) Avoid bank shares
(ii) Drink canned beer heavily and
(iii) Sell the cans for recycling
Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she came home. Apparently, we don't have a dishwasher.
Another washing machine ruined...
The waistband of your boxer shorts makes an ideal hiding place to conceal any unwanted hard-ons.
Remove the bulbs from your indicators in case you momentarily forget what you do for a living and inadvertently signal.
My Dad's suggestion to fight fire with fire turned out to be very bad advice indeed.
I guess I should have learnt not to trust him after the incident where I used paper to defend myself from rocks.
DOG LOVERS. Reduce your chances of going blind by only buying black or brown labradors.
I have broken my leg 3 times in the same place now.
I should probably stay away from there in future.
Top Tip for London tourists:
Save money on the London planetarium by simply going out at night and looking up.
Fool people into thinking you are going to make a funny joke, then don't.
"Keep your trap shut!" my dad always said.
I resent him for that.
So does my greyhound.
Doing radiotherapy? Tell the doctor to give you twice the normal dose so it doubles your chances of becoming a superhero.
muslim leaders: in between the call to prayer at the mosque why not shout out the latest savings at ASDA?
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.