Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.
Be the life of the party by murdering all the other guests.
My mum told me I should never talk to strangers.
I said, "It's alright mum, I don't know any."
A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal skullcap for a Jewish hamster.
There are two rules for success:
1. Don't tell all you know
Scientists have proven that cigarettes are harmful to the health of children.
Fair enough, use an ashtray.
On a serious note, I am concerned with global warming and the effect it will have on our future, especially after reading an article about low water levels in reservoirs.
Well, I drive past my local reservoir every day, and each morning I empty a bucket of water from my tap while on my way to work.
If all of us did the same, these reservoirs would be full in no time.
Anybody else think we'll be seeing the words "Database latency too high" on Friday?
Why do women like men who are smart, goal orientated and have a sense of humour?
Because opposites attract.
I recently took up meditation.
It beats sitting around doing nothing.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
You never realise what you've got till it's gone.
Toilet paper being a good example.
I phoned the 'Rape Helpline' yesterday.
They suggested I buy a balaclava.
London Borough Council. Putting a second 'No Ball games' sign 8 yards (7.32m) to the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost.
When I'm bored I like to play a game with my deaf wife whilst she is hoovering.
I unplug it and time how long it takes her to notice.
I just saw the advert for Compare The Meerkat com saying that they are updating their server to cope with more people online.
A man walks into a bookshop and says, "can I have a book by Shakespeare?"
"Of course, Sir, which one?"
The man replies, "William."
Half a coconut hung from a tree makes a nutritious food for your garden birds.
It also helps to keep other coconuts away from your house.
Just think - the old homeless guy who sits outside my local station doesn't know what it's like to have a full tummy on Christmas Day.
But he will do this Friday, thanks to me -
I'm gonna go down there and tell him.
I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Here's a bit of advice for you.
My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."
Taking the decision to bend over and tie your shoelaces on a moving escalator injects the added thrill of a 'time limit'.
Now remember children, ALWAYS use the Green Cross Code:
When you see a red man you must wait.
When you see a green man you may carefully cross the road.
When you see a black man you must run for your life. He's got a knife and he wants your pocket money.