I asked a wise old man what the secret was to 'eternal life'.
He said "Don't die"

The RAF. Test trainee pilots' reaction times by getting them to try to put exactly 10 worth of petrol in their car.

Journalists for local TV stations. Fool viewers into thinking you have been sent abroad by waiting a few seconds before answering questions the presenter asks you

Here's a piece of advice for you.
If you're sitting there in your house with 300 worth of marijuana, and the police are knocking at the door, there is one thing you should definitely not do...
Try to burn the evidence.

BBC News: Taking showers 'can make you ill'
Hitler - 70 years before his time.

I was on the plane coming back from holiday.
The Air hostess was going through the safety procedures, when she got to the part where she said,
"In the event of a water landing your seat cushion can be used as a floatation aid"
Then some bloke shouted from the back "If the plane cannot fly, why would I believe that my cushion can float?"

Pretend you are going on a fabulous holiday to Barbados by going to Heathrow and sleeping on the floor.

Can't get approval for a savings account?
Simply move in with a Tourette's sufferer, introduce a swearbox and watch your investment grow.

While the optimist's gas tank is half full, and the pessimist's half empty,...
they'll both run out of gas at the exact same spot.

Go into your local charity shop, share a story, shed a tear and then see the look on their face when you tell them you're not really the secret millionaire.

Please note: adding several exclamation marks to the end of your "joke" does NOT actually make it funny.

Men.
Avoid wasting time drying your hands under the drier in pub toilets by simply calling your wife fat and holding your wet hands in front of her mouth.

Have a hot neighbour? Buy a trampoline, looks like innocent fun.

Fool burglars in to thinking you are home simply by leaving your door unlocked.

I always leave everything to the last possible minute, then it only takes a minute

I dont get most of the jokes on here recently and you English cant even spell properly its remotely you idiots.
America.
--------------------------
Please
a) take note of the following grammatical and structural corrections:
"I DON'T get most of the jokes THAT HAVE BEEN POSTED on here recently and you English CAN'T even spell properly: IT'S 'REMOTELY' you idiots."
b) note the definition of irony before you bother posting again.
England

Guys, fool your mates into thinking you have a girlfriend by moving the toilet roll to under your bed, instead of leaving it at your computer desk.

Currants impaled on toothpicks, displayed in your window, serve as a warning to would-be house flies.

How do u get a whole lamb in the freezer?
Take your wife out first

BBC News : Texas death row killer forgiven by victim.
Yeah? Who told him? Whoopie Goldberg??

Top Tip:
In an argument. Before opening a can of worms, make sure its not spaghetti.
That way youll save yourself looking ridiculous in a tense situation.

Tip:
Don't tell the people in your office your Sickipedia username. I did and now this black guy who sits opposite me is giving me right evils.

'...The next time the Postal workers go on strike, here's a simple solution to get them back to work:
Pay their salary, but send the cheque by mail...SORTED!'

For people who suffer from a sweaty face in the hot season...
You can spray regular deodorant on your face to help reduce the problem.
Just make sure you keep your eyes open so you can see where you are spraying it.

Excuse me if I sound rude, but if your greatest achievement in the world of work has been getting a job as a careers advisor, then the very last thing I would ever want from you is advice on my career.