Top tip: Save money on expensive cremation costs by purposely dying in a house fire.

How to be a good author
1.Avoid alliteration. Always
2.One-word sentences? Eliminate.
3.Who needs rhetorical questions?
4.Be more or less specific
5.Comparisons are as bad as cliches

You can't choose your family,....but you can ignore their phone calls.

Dear Deirdre
Ever since I've been able to write, I've had problems with people recognising me for my work. It's really getting me down. Can you please help?
Anon.

My mate recently became a black belt in judo.
I said, "That's all very well but, really, how often are you going to be attacked by a man in a dressing-gown?"

I saw a scruffy looking young man sat on the street this morning behind a card that read:
"Help the Homeless"
So I gave him the number of an estate agent I know.

I would like to take the time to remind everyone what today is...
Friday.

My girlfriend just asked me how we were supposed to stop her dog from drinking the toilet water when I keep leaving the seat up.
I told her to put it down.

Save money on expensive pet carriers. If you need to take your cat to the vets, simply tie its tail to one of its back legs to make an excellent carry handle.

"Beware: Peanuts may cause small children to choke"
What kind of society do we live in where murder tips are advertised on the back of peanut wrappers?!

'Hope you're hungry'
A kind gesture in Britain;
A cruel taunt in Sudan.

Whispering can make almost anything sound creepier.
Example: "I love little kids."

I work in a bar called Advice.
I get really good tips.

It was good advice when someone told me I'd never meet the woman of my dreams at a bar. The women in my dreams aren't old enough to get in.

Here's a useful shopping tip - You can get a pair of shoes for 1 in the bowling alley.

If you had bought 1,000 dollars worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
If you had bought 1,000 dollars worth of Enron stock, you would now have $16.50 of the original $1,000.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought 1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
The moral?
Drink heavily and recycle.

Land Line users:
Save 1 a month on "caller display" by simply answering the phone and asking who it is.

If God was Polish it would have only taken about 4 days to create the universe.

National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...

Never wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes.

Whoever said, ' Laughter is the best medicine . ' never had gonorrhoea.

My mates warned me against going home with an Afro-Carribbean hairdresser last night.
Woke up this morning and I've got braids.

I am not useless, I can always serve as a bad example.

Attention ladies.
If the recycle bin on your boyfriend's computer is always empty, he's up to no good.

Wife came back from the hospital in a right state.
Said shed been diagnosed with a lump in her breast.
I sat her down and told her how when I get lumps in my porridge it narks me no end as well.
I went on to say the situation could be much serious, like she could have lost her keys for instance.
At that moment she burst uncontrollably into tears.
I think it was the sense of perspective Id given her, then a huge relief just flooding its way out. I nodded sagaciously.
I might try this counselling lark as a career move, its a piece of cake.