Do you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a punch in the face?
People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except a punch in the face. But we can raise awareness. 93% of people won't get this...
They need a punch in the face.
Kids, save your parents money on purchasing a 'Fanta Frozen' by instead getting a normal bottle of Fanta and putting it in the freezer.
I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Boy 1 : We Broke Up, But were still going to be friends
Boy 2 : Thats like your dog dying and your mum telling you that you can keep it
I hate being asked for directions in the street. So I usually just make something up, like - "Take a right at the traffic lights. Go down the 2nd turning on the left and you can't miss it".
Then hope I never see them ever again.
It's not always easy being a copper.
Don't let anyone instruct you to rest a fist on your hip whilst you're sat on a table.
No one wants to be made to look like a mug.
Being dragged to dinner at the in-laws by the missus?
Help yourself to a spicy curry with a little bit of laxative before you go, thus avoiding being dragged there ever again.
Victims of car clampers.
Try being gone for more than two minutes.That's obviously the time in which most cars get clamped according to you.
I wish I was as good at burying bodies as I am at burying jokes, anyone know a good lawyer?
I have bibliophilia, but I only really show symptoms when I'm on the toilet.
Yesterday I read a box of my mum's tampons because I couldn't reach the conditioner.
When it comes to driving men think they own the road and women think no one else is on the road.............
Next time someone rings your home phone test their inteligence by repling with,
"Hi, can I call you back I'm driving"
Iceland ready meals.
They taste of poverty and broken dreams.
If there was slightly wider bottleneck of Jack Daniel's bottle, I swear to God I would never marry anyone.
I've been reading Dear Deirdre's photo casebook in The Sun newspaper for a while now and have come to the inescapable conclusion that women can't give deep thought to anything - unless they are in their underwear.
If a woman asks you a question, choose what you say carefully. Chances are, she already knows the answer
Unwritten rules: we should just write them down and then there'd be no argument.
Wooden spoons are handy because you can use them to prepare food.
If you haven't got time for that, just write a number on one then take it to the pub and say, "Where's my dinner?"
Shopkeepers - show you care for your loyal customers by clearing away all the snow from the path outside your store, leaving only a thin film of sheet ice underfoot for them to walk on.
Never ride faster than your Guardian Angel can fly
My mother once told me, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," thoroughly crushing my dreams of one day becoming a film critic.
I was given the advice that being dark and mysterious is what girls want so I decided to try it out at the bar on a girl. "Do you believe in karma?" I asked.
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Well I'm going to get struck by lightening tomorrow for what I'm about to do to you," I said with a wink.
Apparently you can be too dark.
I recently realised that if I had given my exes as much attention as I had given my Playstation...I probably wouldn't be playing my playstation right now...
...but then I probably wouldn't be 10th prestige on C.O.D so it balances out
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
I finally found an honest mechanic. He honestly doesn't know how to fix anything