face reading

If you ever get arrested wait till the cop says "Anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence against you."
Then you say this. "I have nothing to say. I, on the other hand, find you very attractive, your honour, and am struggling to contain myself."
Then watch his face when he has to read that out in court.

sharks attack

There's a little-known but foolproof defence against sharks.
Sharks will only attack you if you're wet.