My teacher said "Those who don't hear, must feel."
Apparently raping a girl when she doesn't respond to my flirting, isn't what he meant...

My son has just turned 20 and asked me, "Dad, how will I know when I've become a man?"
I said, "The best way is to look at your day-dreams. A boy day-dreams about being a secret agent or being Spiderman. When you're a man you'll day-dream about a fully-intact hairline or the ability to maintain an erection."

Keep wives and girlfriends on their toes by telling them they are the fattest girl you have ever been out with.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot people in the eyes.

Keep getting hard-ons in appropriate places? Sick of trying to hide your erection when standing up on the bus? Just do what I do, upload the sound of your front door opening and a laptop slamming shut onto your iPod, works a treat.

Never trust a woman who has a pet snake, or any pets, or no pets.

Showing your true colors on Facebook never ends up well.
Especially if you're ginger.

"Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have".

I wonder how many deaths the person that came up with:
'Do something everyday that scares you'
is responsible for.

Why not try to keep an animal in your house? It would be like a kind of real life Tamagotchi.

Why is it when people try to fly they go to the top of a building.
Why not try running and jumping from the ground, at least that way the fall isn't as far

Listen to your elders advices
not because they are always
right, but because they have
more experiences of being
wrong.

If you don't like the way women drive then don't walk on the pavement.

I'm trying to think of something that would give me a bouncy appearance when i walk
Nothing springs to mind.

I'd just like to tell everyone why my decision to have my two bottom ribs removed was so awesome. Now, I don't want to blow my own horn, but...
...No wait, actually that was why.

Gardeners.
Avoid being caught out by the hosepipe ban by simply leaving your outside tap on over night and flooding your garden.

FOX News: "America today begins to turn back to God."
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't live in America...

Alcohol is never the answer.
Unless the question is C2H6 +H20 = ? +H2

Philanderers: wear shirts with lipstick-coloured collars.

When I got married I was told ''Never go to bed angry''.
I haven't slept in three years.

I find that lying is like farting in the bath, you think it's funny at first, but it always bubbling to the surface eventually.

I caught my 14 year old son in bed with a girl the other night.
I sat him down and asked him why he did it, he said, "I heard you lost it when you were 14 so i thought I'd give it a go."
I replied, "You should learn from my mistakes and not repeat them."
He said, "Ok dad, i won't do it again."
I replies, "I didn't mean that, i meant wear a condom, wouldn't want to make the same mistake i did."

Anyone can saw a woman in half.It depends what you do with her afterwards that determines whether your future is in showbusiness or Broadmoor.

Turn your caravan into a nice static caravan by simply rubbing it on your jumper really hard.

In the Government's new move to offer free sports equipment to schools in deprived areas, I beg the Prime Minister to avoid baseball, archery and shooting.