GET the N-DUBZ experience by smashing yourself in the ear with a hammer.
They need to open a nightclub called "The Office"
So men don't need to lie to their girl where they are anymore.
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
Impress your mates and save yourself extortionate contract fees...
... just add the sentence, 'Sent from my iPhone' to all your emails and texts.
Vicars - Bowling hedgehogs in the church grounds is an ideal way to clear confetti after a wedding.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
My dad always said ' be good and if you can't be good,be careful'. Wise words from the man who knocked up a fat minger.
A tip for Midgets: Appear taller by snacking on fun-size Mars bars and speaking very quietly, thus giving the impression that you are merely a long way away.
Top tip: add thousands to the value of your house by making wallpaper out of twenty quid notes.
Men; would you like to last longer in bed?
Then get your wife to bring breakfast to you.
I need help committing suicide.
Does anyone have some experience?
I'm in a long distance relationship and I find it great.
Wife in the kitchen and me at the pub.
If you have a paranoid friend and they leave their mobile lying around, pick it up and add little reminders like "I'm watching you" and "You're not alone" to random dates.
Give a man a fish and you've fed him for a day. But teach a man to wear a fishnet stocking for a mask and hold up a bank and you've taken care of him for life, one way or another.
Amuse yourself when filling in application forms.
When it asks "Are you registered blind or partially-sighted?" tick slightly outside the box that says "No".
The only thing more boring than watching paint dry...
listening to paint dry.
Ladies, you can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way.
You're already hard to want.
Go down the pub so you don't feel guilty watching your wife do all the housework.
When your wife comments that eating a dessert after dinner will make her fat, don't add the "ter".
My old Dad always said, "Lift with your legs".
I find it easier to use my arms.
It is estimated that it has cost the British taxpayer 2.3 million to pay for the Pope's visit.
They obviously never heard of Ryanair, return tickets from Rome start at 48.
Giraffes look down on people like you
Top Tip #87
Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen.
Manufacturers of Dulux 'Once'. I think the word you're looking for is 'twice'.
Top tip on asking a girl out:
Just stare at her. By not blinking, you're showing her that you're an Alpha Male.