Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
Helpful hint #1
When arranging to meet a girl from the internet, who "spreads 'em easily"....
Make sure she doesn't mean diseases.
Convince others you are full of great ideas by sellotaping a light bulb to the top of your head
A neighbour's car aerial, when carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop right there.
Women. Avoid parking discrepancies by aiming to park all wonky. There is a good chance you will end up perfectly straight and within the lines.
How to write a successful joke:
For a joke to be successful, one must consider the various discourses of humour, especially pertaining to the various genres of comedy that exist. One must also consider the various synonyms of the vocabulary used in the joke and the intended meaning of the word (versus the normal usage of the word in a non-joke context). We use Hilling's formula to calculate the efficacy of the word play (C = 1/x * R(4e)). We must then take into account the use of current affairs, using Smith's algorithm (1>2>3>4>X<4<3<2<1). Finally, it is essential that we consider the intended target.
Failing that, just write something about black people being lazy.
Why spend three quid on a packet of bog roll when you can get a copy of The Sun for 25p?
When ever a child asks me why God let so many people die in a disaster , I tell them its because they distracted him by praying for a puppy.
LEA & PERRINS-
Save on printing costs of bottle labels by moving your Worcestershire sauce factory to Kent.
What do you call a fish with four eyes?
A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much would it be to ask you three questions?"
The attorney answered, "$500."
"Holy cow!" the man replied, "That's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"No." said the attorney. "What's your third question?"
When reading a book, always underline the bits you don't understand. That way, if you ever lend it to someone, they'll think you're really clever.
I don't think 'Smoking Kills' should be exclusive to cigarette packets.
I've yet to see a kipper survive it either.
Statistics are like a lamppost to a drunken man. More for leaning on than illumination.
TOP TIP FOR DWARFS
Make sure you never have enough money to buy things.
It will amuse us when you tell them this at the till.
Make shopping in Curry's more fun by changing the channel on the TVs to Sky Channel 912.
I've been trying to teach my son the importance of honesty.
Today when I came home I discovered that he had found my nail gun and destroyed my entire vinyl collection.
I went up to his room and asked him if he knew who did it.
"It was me, dad." He replied.
"Good son, and do you know why I'm not going to punish you?"
"Because I'm still holding your nail gun."
Number 1 way to let your girlfriend know she's FAT!
Tip of the day:
Don't bother trying to get a taxi during a mosque service, you're only wasting your time.
Headline in the sun
'NIGHT STALKER ATTACKED ME WHEN I WAS IN LABOUR'
advice to all women out there
When in ASDA buying grapes, take one grape to the "serve yourself" till. When it is weighed it won't register on the scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or so, and hey, presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes.
Old people. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community.
Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation
Hospitals. Increase the revenue from on-site car parking by selling off the cars left by dead patients.