My mates say I'm too submissive.
They're probably right.
I believe you should always try things once.
Which is why i'm addicted to Crystal Meth
My old man always told me to fight my corner.
That was good advice, but my boxing career was short lived.
Good idea: giving your newborn baby a bath
bad idea: having your newborn baby dry-cleaned
My Principle of life:
If a girl throws a stone at you, throw a flower back, BUT MAKE SURE the flower is still in the pot
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts
If you put a frog into a pan tepid water and slowly heat it up, the frog will boil to death. But if you put a frog into already boiling water it will jump out.
Moral of the story? Put a lid on the pan.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised.
Fed up of ironing?
Try using anti-wrinkle cream instead of fabric softener.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I heard, that in a survival situation if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine.
So I always take a two litre bottle of it wherever I go just in case.
Next time someone says "You owe me big time", arrange for DHL to send them a 5 foot clock to their house. That should shut them up.
Fool guests into thinking all your picture frames are digital by changing the picture yourself every 15 seconds.
Whenever you're shot in the chest, lie on the side you were hit.
That way only one lung will fill with blood.
Commuters, make the bus come quicker by standing by the corner looking for it coming down the road, then running back to the bus stop.
Top tip: Africans, lessen your hardship by living somewhere where things will actually grow, and preferably not 20 miles from the nearest water.
I was getting money out of the ATM earlier and it asked me if I wanted an 'advice slip' with my cash, so I hit yes....
Out came a note saying 'stop using the benefit system to fund your crack habit'
Why do we have to wear seatbelts on planes?
Has there ever been a time when a air crash investigator has viewed a plane crash scene and said, if only they were wearing seatbelts.
end of the world in 2012? just immigrate to romania.they are 100 years behind....
I've learnt the awkward way, if your girlfriend's mother asks "Would you do me a favour?" - ALWAYS wait until she has said "a favour" before eagerly nodding and saying yes.
Looking through husbands CD collection: John Lennon, Michael Hutchinson, Kurt Cobain. All died violent deaths. Hope he buys new Coldplay CD.
I always wanted to be a rock star when i was a young child....I got the excessive drinking right,but unfortunately forgot about the main things,learning an instrument and writing songs.
Never attempt to operate a chainsaw whilst fairly drunk. There's a good chance you'll end up legless.
I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "Whats the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"
My Dad would always give me good advice.
Like, "scream and I'll kill your sister."