What do you call a man with no arms or legs?
A cab, so he can get home.
I just realised flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.
Scousers, Get your day off to a cracking start by adding a couple of shots of activia to your vodka
There's a very easy way to avoid body odour. Don't get the tube.
Walkers. Sell more crisps in Arabic countries by introducing a new Sultan Sheikh range.
What do you call a fat chick with a great personality..?
A barrel of laughs.
When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong - or absolutely right.
Fill your tyres with water instead of air so if you get a puncture you can trace back to the hazard and warn other motorists.
Best piece of advice I've ever been given for delivering talks? Visualise your audience naked.
It certainly helped with the half-time team talk for the Under 10s football team I coach.
Yes frank i know theres a darker side to drugs its called the dealers!
Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.
Scare hotel staff by riding a tricycle through the corridors and talking backwards to your finger.
The heel of a gentlemens' shoe makes an ideal door for a mousehole.
If you are unluckky enough to accidentally trip over in the street, keep repeating the process to make it look like it is what you usually do
What's the point of advice slips at cashpoints?
All they say is "You haven't got any money."
Advice would be for them to say "Look, mate, I know you're skint, but my brother has just won a few bob on the darts; I expect he'd lend you some money till pay day if you give him a bell."
Muller Yoghurt eaters:
Save a fortune by buying your yoghurts ready mixed.
Save money on sanitary towels.
Buy cheap ones then drink a can of Red Bull.
What's the quickest way to look slim and fit?
Befriend fat people.
After telling him numerous times to be careful, my brother fell off his motorbike.
I saw him in hospital, and he said to me:
Did... n... wu...
I... din war... yu..."
So I told him:
"You can't say I didn't warn you."
Don't you just hate when there is a clown at your bed at 3am because you didn't send on a chain message
Time is never wasted if you're wasted all the time.
I'll always remember the last words my father said before he accidently shot himself.
"Safety first, Saf..."
If someone throws a rock at you, your defence shouldn't be a sheet of paper.
When people say I care too much about what other people think, I reply tearfully "Do you really think that?"
Lets face it.. maybe you won't get ripped in 3 weeks.
However, you might grow a beard, change race and facial shape, so the ad is worth a look.