Don't Listen ipod Loud

In the news was a story that a boy died by walking in front of a moving train. The excuse is that he was listening to his ipod loud.
The family have urged people not to listen to iPods while outside "for your own safety".
Wouldn't it be more constructive if she told people to look before crossing?

Man A Fish

Giva a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and his wife will divorce him.

Lick The Spoon

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.

Ideas on Save Trees

I'm doing an environmental studies course and I need ideas on how to save trees.
Answers on a postcard please.

Chopping Onions

Top Tip: Avoid tears when chopping onions by using carrots instead.

Attractive Woman

BUS DRIVERS. If you see an attractive woman with a low cut top at the bus stop, accelerate and come to a halt 50 feet past the stop. You will then have a great view in your nearside mirror as she runs towards you. Finally, accidentally drop her change for a second look.

Champagne Bottle

If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my advice, hit it with a ship. I've seen people do that, it works!

Waiters Tip

I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.

Postmen Count

'Dont shoot the messenger.'
Do postmen count?
I'm gonna need a quick answer on this.

Fifth Gear

O.A.P drivers.
The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as "Fifth Gear". This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.

Dog Dead in 15 Minutes

If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes.
However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about five.

Farting Everytime

Fool people into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several litres of ink and farting everytime someone startles you.


WINDOW CLEANERS. When agreeing a price with Dr Who to clean the windows of the Tardis, don't be conned into agreeing to do the insides for the same price.

Click a photo Safely

Top tip:
When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit their brakes when they think they've been caught.

Joke Read Carefully

When you write a joke you should always proof-read it carefully to make sure you haven't any words out.

Pub In Flight

When getting into a fight in a pub, don't concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub's attention.
Then calmly walk to the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell,
"At least I'm not a paedophile."
The seed planted into everyone's mind will do more long term damage than any punch could ever do.

Idiot Drag down your level

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Low Expectations

I recently went to Birmingham with low expectations, and I left disappointed.

A Thumb War

Top tip: When at the airport, if you get asked "Anything to declare?", it's not the best response to say "A Thumb War".
Still though, their prison isn't too bad.

Take A Spade

What have a grave yard and a beach got in common?
You will have a much better time if you take a spade.

Joke Is Made For Laughter

Is it just me that reads a joke and looks at the score before laughing or not?

Peer Pressure

What do you do if your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure?

Investigate in Fish

If "fishing" means luring, hooking, catching, and potentially killing fish, shouldn't we investigate whenever someone says, "I'm kidding"?

Fruit Salad

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

Bunch of Flowers

top tip: city councils save hundreds of pounds on signs warning of dangerous bends, simply tie a bunch of flowers to a nearby tree