My wife's been struggling a bit since she gave birth. Yesterday she asked me if I would take the baby to see the wet nurse whilst she had a rest.
Disappointed is not the word. She was nothing at all like the wet nurses that feature in my DVD collection.

I wish my doctor would make his mind up.
One visit he tells me I urgently need to give up junk food, the next he's telling me I urgently need a doner.

My mates just told me the time of the 100m final tonight is going to be 9.50.
So I've rung the Police and reported him for suspicious betting.

I went to the museum today, as I walked through the doors and headed straight for the main room, a voice said:
"Excuse me sir, admission please."
"Fine" I said, "I wear women's underwear and eat cat food."

What's the worst thing about getting drunk and fingering your best mates little sister?
Being so drunk that you forget he's only got a brother.

We had this quiz at school today, and I didn't get Anything wrong! Sadly I got Nothing wrong, and Something wrong. The easiest one was Difficult, and the one I would say I was most proud of myself for getting right was Incorrect. My Overall was perfect; Nevertheless I could have done better. I succeeded in Failing, but messed up my Chance. My Grandma was right.
In other words, I got six out of ten in my spelling test.

I started karate for beginners today.
I walked through the door and said, "Hiya"
The instructor said, "You want karate for intermediates. Next door, mate"

My boss just asked me to come in her office.
It turns out we meant different things

I was doing a crossword and I said to my wife, "9 letters. The clue is 'To do or say again'.
She said, "Reiterate."
I said, "9 letters. The clue is 'To do or say again'.

I walked up to a girl at the bar and said "Hey babe, my mouth is like a magicians hat"
"Full of surprises?" she giggled.
"No, hang around for the night you'll see me pull a hare out of it."

My mate said to me, "Have you ever thought about just packing a suitcase, leaving everything behind and starting again somewhere new?"
I said, "There's no way I could do that!"
"Why, because you love your wife and kids?"
"No, I don't have a suitcase."

After enjoying a delicious meal with the family, the waiter brought over the bill.
"How did you find the beef, sir?" he asked.
"Well, it was well hidden under the potatoes but I got to it eventually," I said.

I woke up and felt horrid this morning.
My wife hates it when I call her that.

I overheard a teenager on the bus last night, saying to his friend, "I still can't believe it, two weeks ago it looked impossible, but against all the odds the Greeks have managed to stay in it."
It's so nice to hear young people getting enthused by European politics.

All the emergency exits at work have got signs saying "Fire Door - Keep Shut" on them.
They'd be useless if we ever had to evacuate the building.

My Blonde Wife just asked me, "Whats the scariest movie you have ever seen?".
I replied, "Our Wedding Video is pretty scary".
She said, "Whats it about?".

Moroccan 1500 meters runner Mariem Alaoui Selsouli has been barred from entering the Olympics, after testing positive for dope.
Suspicions were first raised during training, when she ran off towards the corner shop and came back with fourteen Kit-Kats.

I remember going to the park with my dad wearing a Donald Duck hat and a sailor suit.
Why he wore that, I'll never know.

I Was walking through the London underground and saw a man holding a cup, looking rather glum. So, being the kind person, I am; I chucked some of my change in his cup. As a splash of his hot coffee hit me in the face, I instantly realised he wasn't actually homeless.

"I brought a chinchilla back from Mexico."
"I wouldn't worry. They can treat that sort of thing with penicillin these days."

When she retired, I thought I'd treat my wife to her dream holiday, travelling along Route 66.
By the end of the second week she'd stopped speaking to me, but I didn't mind, I'd become quite friendly with Iqbal the bus conductor.

My mate Dave just introduced me to his new girlfriend.
"Dave you're punching well above your weight mate."
"You think she's as beautiful as I do?"
"No." I said, "She's a fat cow."

"Dog helps lightning strike mayor"
He should be put down for that.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
She said, "I wouldn't mind going to Vegas in America, or failing that Philadelphia."
I can't really afford Vegas so I just got her the tub of Philadelphia.

I'd stupidly let slip that I'd got a special treat for the wife's birthday and we were to go diving.
Well out came her credit card and she had to have the very best.. pink wetsuit, pink snorkel, pink flippers. Still they didn't do her much good in the end.
When the plane door opened.