That Frank bloke knows nothing about drugs, he couldn't even tell me where I could score some good hash.
All the blokes in the office today were talking excitedly about some sort of 'special day', but I didn't have a clue.
I wasn't bothered anyway. Mum just text me saying she's making steak for tea and that she's got me a surprise for later!
What's black and will kill you if it gets in your eye?
I was working at a Zoo when a man came up to me
"Can you tell me where the Lion enclosure is please?"
"Bear with me" I replied
"Ok" he said
And then the bear I was feeding tore his face off
A girl came up to me in a club and said 'You look familiar to me. Are you on TV?'.
To which I replied 'Why, yes. Come back to my place and I'll tell you all about it'.
We went back to my flat and she said 'Come on then. What were you on TV for?'.
I said 'Well, I was shown leaving the courthouse after being found guilty for luring girls back to my flat, raping and murdering them'.
I said to my son, "What did you do at school today?"
He said, "We learnt about all the capitals."
"How many do you know?" I asked.
He said, "All of them."
I said, "All of them, are you sure?"
He said, "Yes, they're just like the small letters, but you write them a bit bigger."
Just opened my fortune cookie from lunch:
"Others appreciate your good sense of humour today."
Chin Li didn't look so happy when I did a runner without paying
A mate of mine is a part-time DJ. I got a text from him today that said, 'Had a gig last nite, DJ'ing nxt 2 deadmau5!'
They really should hire a cleaner at that club.
A girl I know posted on Facebook, "Anyone know someone who has Ann Summers parties?"
I replied, "Lots of people have parties in the summer. Your grammar is terrible, by the way."
I saw Mick Philpott today.
"How could you do that?" I shouted.
"I didn't start the fire!" he retorted.
"I was talking about your wife."
I cooked a lovely lasagne and took it to the bank with me, but they said it was "an unsuitable form of identification."
Strange... it's my signature dish?!
Java Diner- I'm told one of Reverend Spooner's favorite places to eat.
I was stood in church this morning when an old lady walked past
"Its nice out" she said
I thought she had a point, but when i got it out, the vicar asked me to leave!
My 4 yr. old is chasing the cat around & saying "Let me lick you"...I'm afraid he may have heard something last night he wasn't supposed to?
"Waiter! Why are there three flies swimming in my soup?"
"Sorry, sir, I don't know much about sport. Maybe it's some kind of medley relay?"
I was at a nightclub when I spotted a pretty blonde at the bar.
I went up to her and said, "Hey darling, fancy going on the floor and having a dance?"
She replied, "Oh you can, I'd rather stay on my feet if I'm honest."
My mate's sister asked me if I think it's ok to have a baby after 35.
I said, "Not really. I think 35 of them is more than enough."
"Sorry I'm late," said my girlfriend entering the restaurant.
"It's okay," I said with a smile.
"Thank god," she replied in relief, "I thought you'd be furious when I told you I'm pregnant."
My mum lost her battle with Cancer yesterday.
She was spitting some sick rhymes though.
I told my boss I am looking to get a new laptop he said I should try currys.
Yeah that's nice, and then after I will head out and look for a laptop.
I'm never getting one of those Multi Vehicles.
Have you seen how many of them have accidents on the Motorway?
The wife was going out with her friends, so told me to 'take care of the kids'.
How was I to know she meant look after them?
I was at the safari park when I went into the tuck shop and said to the cashier...
"Number one, this is a safari park." "Number two, do I look like I own the place?"
My friend has just got a new job as a radiographer.
I can't wait to tune in and listen to his show.
The wife woke me up all excited this morning, wanting to know if I had rememered.
"Why don't you go down stairs and have a look?" I smiled.
"Oooh you big tease!" she giggled before running off.
I might have had to get up early to sort everything out, but I bet she remembers this pancake day for the rest of her life.