I went to the Doctor because I was having trouble sleeping.
"Hmm..," he said, "It sounds like insomnia."
"Aww.. C'mon Doc.... I'm too tired for guessing games... Can't you just tell what it is?"
While I was away on a business trip, the wife phoned me up. She told me she was masturbating and then she told me to tell her something hot.
She put down the phone when I told her magnesium burns at 2200 degrees.
I bought a George Foreman fat grilling machine today, it didn't burn any fat off at all
I'm now in A+E with third degree burns to my stomach.
A guy had broken down outside my house and knocked on my door.
He said, "Excuse me, sorry to bother you but I don't suppose you've got anything I can jump my car with?"
I said, "Sure." And went inside.
He had a bemused look on his face when I came back, I don't think he wanted a pogo stick.
I was interviewed for a job at McDonald's and the the woman asked me what position I was aiming for.
"You can take your pick from the karma sutra if you hire me ," I replied.
Bob finishes off his lunch in the restaurant and goes to get his coat, but is unable to find it.
"Waiter?" he says. "Did you by any chance see someone stealing my coat?"
"Yes," says the waiter, "I did."
"Well?" says Bob. "Out with it! What did he look like?"
The waiter shrugs his shoulders and says, "Absolutely ridiculous. It was tight across the back and the sleeves were much too short for him."
I got an irate call from my telephone company today.
"Sir, the bill was 98.11 and you've only paid 11 pounds 89!"
"Yeah, your Manager told me that would be ok," I replied.
"Well, I have no record of that, Sir."
"Really?" I asked. "He told me if I can't afford to pay for the calls I make, I should try reversing the charges."
My mate was telling me about how he lost his virginity in a ford focus...
I lost mine in an escort.
My girlfiend just text me "I'll be having words with you later."
Brilliant! I love Alphabetti spaghetti.
I turned to my mate and said, "You know, there should be a World Bacon Day."
"That's brilliant!" He said, "It'd be like having two Christmases in one year!"
"I know, something else those filthy Jews can't celebrate."
I for one am against plans to ban Muslim women from wearing the Burka in Britain.
But then, I am a huge Star Wars fan.
I was nervous at first. It was big & long and went straight up. I had to try it...I eased myself onto it and I liked it. I went up and down, up and down. I love escalators now!
I met a gorgeous girl at a club last night. After a few drinks we got to know each other quite well.
At the end of the night, instead of exchanging numbers, she said "Facebook me", and smiled.}
So I hit her in the eye with my Oxford Pocket Dictionary.
I'm moving house this morning so I've just nipped to Tesco...
I'm glad I did 'cause the cashier politely asked if I'd like help with my packing.
To earn some extra money this weekend I went stripping in a pub.
I turned up wearing a cowboy hat, leather chaps and a sequined thong.
I had a great time, although there was some funny looks from the other painters doing the refurbishment.
My girlfriend text me before, saying, "I think I have got a Sti"
I said, "I am so sorry, I cheated on you, I have one too"
Just as I pressed send, another one came through, "Sorry, didn't know how to spell it" She said, "That was meant to say Stye"
My new boss has told me I need to take a drugs test in the morning.
I'm hoping it'll be heroin, it's meant to be wicked.
A dating agency forwarded me the phone number of a girl for a blind date. I decided to give her a call...
"Hi," I said, "It's Joe Whitehouse, the dating agency gave me your number. Would you like to go for a meal this week?"
"Great!" She replied
"Do you like Indian food?" I asked.
"No" She replied, "I'm a Chinese girl"
"Really?" I asked, "You sound British to me."
My wife suggested today that we get our daughter Christened and I couldn't be more pleased.
I'm not religious at all, I just remember what happened when she suggested we Christen the new settee.
I got chatting to a girl in the pub. She said, "Are you coming on to me?"
I said, "Don't think so love. My flies are closed."
I'd studied the form at Ascot and confidently walked up to the bookmaker with my money in my hand.
"Forty pounds on Fame and Glory in the Gold Cup," I said.
"This is your first time at Ladies' Day isn't it?" he asked.
"Because it's usually just the women who wear a fancy dress and big hat."
"I'm going on safari in Africa."
"Course I can. What's to stop me?"
My girlfriend asked me to say something dirty to her in bed the other night.
Apparently "make like my fungal infection and spread" isn't what she had in mind.
My housework-challenged husband wanted to wash his sweatshirt. He shouted to me "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"What does it say on your shirt?" I called back.
He yelled "University of Cambridge."
Davina: "Ok, we're just heading back to the house for our last ever instalment of celebrity big brother, so have your tissues at the ready."
Imagine my disapointment when it didn't cut to Stephanie Beacham getting spit-roasted by Vinnie and Dane.
That's the last time I listen to Davina.