I went for an interview this afternoon.
I was asked "What experience do you have with the subject matter for this role?"
I replied "I have a great experience with them and use them on a regular basis for work and pleasure".
I never did hear back from the Child Protection Agency.
Or the RSPCA.
Or the Old People's Home.
All this AIDS awareness stuff has really worried my nan.
Ever since she heard about the dangers of using dirty needles she's been too scared to go near her knitting.
"You have a very sick mind."
"Yeah," I grinned, "A few people have told me that."
"No. I mean you have an inoperable brain tumour," said the neurosurgeon.
With the FIA constantly looking for ways to slow down modern Formula 1 cars, why haven't they tried wrapping hair and fluff around the rear wheel axles? It certainly works on my Scalextric.
The wife had a miscarriage, so i took her to the hospital for a routine check-up.
Sat down next to another distressed looking woman and simply asked
'Yeah, this is my second one now' she replied with a tear in her eye.
'oh.......my wife isn't that careless.' Wasn't the response she wanted to hear.
Just started the coast to coast bike ride - there were a few false starts thanks to a guy with an overenthusiastic starting pistol, but we got off in the end..
We told Nan how our lad had grown another foot over the past few months, bless her.
She's immediately sent him another knitted sock.
I said to my senile grandad "I'm a black belt in Karate"
"Which Dan are you?" He asked.
"Your youngest daughters son!" I replied angrily.
I asked the guy in Blockbuster's if they had that film with Liam Neeson trying to rescue his kidnapped daughter.
"It's Taken mate," he said.
"Oh.. That's a shame... Will it be back in tomorrow?"
I got my girlfriend a ring with a carrot on for her birthday.
She wanted 24 carrots but that just looked stupid.
I saw an old friend today and he told me his first baby was due on the 13th
"That's unlucky you know"
"What?" He replied
"Having to look after a kid"
I was on a dinner date and after finishing our desserts the waiter walked past so I asked for the bill.
She said, " Go Dutch."
I said, " Ok... Mag ik dan de rekening alstublieft?"
My girlfriend says her mother is feeling lonely so she has invited her round for a roast.
I thought you needed two guys for that but I'll give it a go.
I just flicked onto page three and it made me think about how they used to get them out and play with them, instead of just standing there looking bored.
"Tractors Weekly" will never be the same.
What do you call someone with no clue what irony is?
Now go on, re-post that fatty!!
Waiting to board a ferry, a woman collapses and cracks her head on a mooring bollard. As a crowd gathers, her husband stands up and scans the queue. "Help!" he shouts. "Anyone! Is there a doctor here?!"
A bloke fights his way forward, "Make way, stand back please. Thankyou"
"Thank God!" says her husband.
The bloke crouches down and starts examining the bollard. "Nah you're ok, mate, no damage"
"What sort of doctor are you?" screams the husband at the man.
"Oh sorry, mate" he replies. "Thought you said docker."
My new girlfriend told me that during the first time we make love, I should take her breath away.
So just as she climaxed, I suffocated her with a pillow.
I took a girl out to dinner tonight and when we'd finished she said, "I've had a lovely time, let's go Dutch."
I replied, "I've had a great time to, but I'm going to go French."
She said, "What's French?"
It was then I ran away from the restaurant.
One of the girls in the office was flirting with me in the kitchen this morning, but I think I've blown my chances with her.
"I bet you've got a nice lunchbox," she said with a wink and cheeky smile.
"I have. Want a look?" I said.
"Go on then," she said excitedly, checking that no-one else was looking.
So I got it out, and judging by her reaction, I don't think He-Man was her favourite cartoon character.
There was a kid on the bus today listening to his ipod whilst playing with his iphone.
The man next to me moaned. " Ohhh, I must be getting old."
I said "What with all the new technology?"
He replied. "No, it's my 86th birthday tomorrow."
I knocked on my brothers door seeking the couch to sleep on.
He said, " How's this come about?"
I said, " She told me she's seeing a therapist."
He said, " So why you here?"
" I told her I'm seeing a bar maid."
"I'm just going to lay the dining room table," I said to my wife.
"OK," she said, "I'll go and straddle the tumble drier for 10 minutes."
'Are you aware of the phrase delusions of grandeur?'
'Yes, since I made it up.'
I was in the pub yesterday when I shouted out, "I've got a really funny Irish joke"
However a big Irishman stopped me and said, "Be careful, I'm Irish"
So I replied, "Don't worry, I will tell it slowly"
My wife told me our child needs constant supervision.
So I've gone and strapped a pair of night-vision binoculars to his face.