I was in the pub celebrating winning 100 million on the lottery when my ex-wife walked in and demanded half.
I said, "Sure, it's the least I can do"
She said, "What, are you serious? Thank you, thank you so much"
I said, "Alright love, calm down. Fosters or Carling?"
When I saw a positive pregnancy test left on the side in the bathroom a couple of months after my 14 year old daughter got her first boyfriend, I did what any good father would do. I waited until she was sleeping, then crept into her bedroom and hit her hard across the belly six times with a baseball bat.
Seeing a trickle of blood coming from between her legs I stopped and whispered into her ear that, if she ever told anyone what had happened, I would kill her.
I couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt when I went downstairs and my wife told me to sit down because she'd got some exciting news to tell me.
After seeing those cute puppies on the andrex advert, I decided to get the kids one for Christmas.
I can't wait to see their excited little faces when they open up their extra-soft toilet roll.
I got attacked by a shark yesterday.
My mate said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, he just attacked me for no reason"
Isn't it funny how two small spelling mistakes can ruin your day?
My wife's text got me so excited two weeks after leaving for Florida.
Anyway, turned out she was waiting at Heathrow for a cab, not Deathrow for a jab.
I've just bought a sofa with three years free credit.
I'm going to save a fortune on my mobile phone bill.
I got stopped by the Police as I drove home from the pub last night.
"Have you been drinking, Sir?" he asked.
"Absolutely not," I replied, "I've been drinking Kronenburg."
I took my mum for a day out at a spa where she saw incense sticks for the first time.
There was quite a scene the next day when she went to the shops looking to buy 'spa sticks that she can burn at home'.
My mum asked me why i was washing my dads brother, Ian in the bath.
What she actually said was "go and wash, you're unclean"
I said to my wife, "I'm tired of looking in this mirror and seeing my big beer belly, so I'm going to do something about it."
She replied, "Excellent idea. You're going to start working out at the gym then?"
"Don't be silly. I'm buying a shorter mirror."
I took my car to the garage today.
"It looks like your belt is knackered mate"
"Really?" I said "how do you know?"
"Your trousers are on the floor."
I burst into the lounge last night and said to the wife, "Guess what babe? I've got us two tickets to the Canaries'!"
"Oh my God!" she shrieked. "How long for? One week? Two weeks?"
"No, 90 minutes." I said. "Unless it goes to extra time."
My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said where's this stemming from petal?
"Just before my wife died, I bought the lovely new Porsche she told me to buy."
"Was that her last wish?"
"Yes, it was. When I mentioned it, I clearly remember her saying it was the last thing she wanted."
One of my employees came into my office today. He insisted he'd quit if he wasn't treated with more respect.
"Come on, we both know you'll never walk out of this job", I laughed.
"Just watch me then!" he yelled.
As he turned around in his wheelchair, I gathered he'd misunderstood my point.
I took a bird and her three year old son out for the day.
Her son kept moaning. She said, "Brandon doesn't usually behave like this, it's because his head's cold, do you mind nipping to the car and getting something to wrap round it?"
She looked mortified when I came back with a baseball bat.
I was in the library noisily eating a kebab when the librarian said to me, "Shhhushhh."
I replied, "No it's Doner."
My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man.
I told her to rub her eyes.
Since suffering horrendous facial burns, my neighbour has been knitting non stop.
Despite my best intentions, she doesn't like the new nickname I've given her.
My girlfriend was flicking through a magazine last night and spotted a really expensive engagement ring.
"That's what I want." she said.
So I cut it out and handed it to her.
Saw a billboard poster that read, "Spot of blood on your brush? ... Could be gum disease."
How do they know it wasn't a curling match that turned nasty?
I bought the wife a diamond ring today as a present, but instead of being happy, she started getting ethical with me.
"I hope a little African boy didn't spend 18 hours down a dark mine for this," she said.
"Don't be silly," I said, "He was a grown man and he got it out of the display cabinet."
There was a man giving away free money in the subway this morning.
He was even playing the guitar for us all too.
What a great bloke.
Paddy goes into a chemist's shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does it taste sweet?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Good," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
My mate said, "lets go out tonight and tear up the dance floor..."
Shows how out of touch with the times I am, I turned up with my jackhammer.