I was walking down the high street today when a Jehovah's witness asked me if I'd thought of converting.
"Yes mate," I replied, "I think turning my attic into a fourth bedroom could raise the value of my house substantially."
"Darling, promise you'd never cheat with me with another woman?" said the wife.
"Oh course not dear, I'm 100% sure of that!" I replied.
"You're such a sweetie!" she cooed. "How are you so certain?"
"Cos if I was with another woman, I'd never cheat on her with such an ugly fat cow like you."
My mates little sister was telling me what she wanted for christmas, she stated that she wanted a facial at a spa.
I told her i would take her now, she was absoulted delighted. Then she asked 'what we doing at the spar shop?'
I said, 'come with me you'll see.'
I arrived late to work in the kitchens earlier. I hung up my coat and put the herbs I'd bought on the table.
'What time do you call this?' the head chef asked, looking from me to the herbs.
'Well I've got common, lemon and golden.'
I got on the bus today and said to the driver, "To the new go-kart track please."
"Return?" He said.
"I may do if it's any good."
When my wife came in from the doctors she looked a little shaken.
"Everything alright?" I asked.
"I'm a bit worried about my doctor, he took my temperature in a weird place"
"Where?" I asked.
"The waiting room" she said.
Malt whisky is 'a good investment', financial advisors say.
Nonsense. I invested in a truckload of the stuff years ago, and all I've got to show for it now is terminal cirrhosis.
I don't know who this 'Jim' character is, or what he's done to offend everyone.
All my muscular friends keep ringing me up saying that they're going to hit him.
My mates think it's great when I tell them my wife's a goer.
It's not though.
She always comes back.
For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way.
My boss said, "You've been late into the store nearly every day since you started here. Well not any more. Do you understand?"
"Yeah I think so. You're going to make the opening times later."
These Adalia Rose jokes are getting old really fast, ironically so is she.
my new year's resolution is to tell more lies to people, Or is it.
BBC News: "Prison vote warning for May polls."
I really don't think a harmless bit of morris dancing will do these hard-nut serial killers any harm.
Just got back from my first weight watchers meeting. Everyone got on really well with each other. They laughed and joked and told stories about how they tried to lose weight.
I felt a bit guilty sitting on the balcony with my binoculars and popcorn
My Mum found me with dirty mags in my room.
"Mum i can explain."
"No be quite, thats disgusting, son."
"But mum there was no toilet paper left i had no choice."
It was my sons fourth birthday and we couldn't think what to give him. My wife said, "Why don't we give him Up."
I thought that's a great idea.
I had just finished packing his bags and put him in the car when my wife arrived back home with a Disney pixar dvd.
I was telling my wife how we should really buy a lottery ticket this week.
"Roll over?" she said.
Now I'm on the floor.
"Nurse come quick" I screamed, "We need help over here now!"
"What's the matter?" She shouted as she ran down the corridor towards us,
"The vending machine" I replied, "It has taken our pound coin."
"I can sleep for England."
Apparently isn't a good enough excuse as to why I fell asleep at my sentry-post.
The cream I just had with my coffee wasn't as 'brill' as the tub said.
Marrage: A misunderstanding between two people.
i was doing a crossword and asked my mate what 6 down was- "Combustion is rife".
"Fire" he said.
And that misunderstanding is what led to me losing my job as a gunner in the Royal Navy.
Someone tried selling me a copy of the big issue the other day.
I said 'No thanks, this shoe fits fine'.
I tried hard not to laugh when I realised that my mate didn't know the difference between a paediatrician and paedophile.
Then I asked to be left alone to complete the examination on his son.