I was in town with my wife today, she said, "I fancy a Big Mac."
I said, "You'll need an XL one, I don't think a big coat will fit you, chubby."
A friend of mine recently told me that women love grey hair. Great, I thought, I've got a few, so as I got ready for a night out, I combed it, and waxed it, and really thought I looked the part.
I didn't pull that night. It appears that nasal hair is a turn off.
I met this hot babe in a club. She was really up for it. We left the club and went down the nearest alley.
"Get yer wedding tackle out!" she cried.
Grey top hat, pinstripe trousers and a dried up carnation, apparently not what she had in mind.
My wife said, "It's either me or the golf. You choose."
"That's a bit unfair," I thought.
I like to use my clubs on both.
I was in a packed club last night, when this girl came over and said:
"Fancy a kiss round the back?"
"Brilliant" I said, while dropping my trousers and bending over.
I was on holiday in California last week and I noticed a sign in the toilets that read:
"Please leave this restroom in the same state that you found it".
Idiots. Why would anyone take it to another part of the country?
I just gave my girlfriend a bluebell
she suggested a looser condom
The missus' birthday is coming up, and she asked me what I was getting her.
"Let's just say you'll be buying a t-shirt with "I <3 NYC" on the front", I said.
She sounded ecstatic!
She's going to love this b&b on the North Yorkshire Coast.
My girlfriend just texted me saying she wants me to get her wet when she get's home. Got 25 water balloons ready... can't wait!
My wife and I got into a huge fight yesterday, I had a black eye and a fractured rib and my wife had a concussion.
I don't think we're going to enter the doubles WWE next year.
My wife's fed up of her hairy legs, so she's asked me to get her an epilator.
I don't see how someone having a fit is going to help.
I went to the cafe this morning but didn't like look of the set menu.
"Can I make my own?" I asked
"Yeah of course love!" She replied
So I barged her out the way and got cooking.
"And where do you think you're going?" my boss asked.
"Just off to the toilet."
"With that urgent report still not finished? Please tell me you can pull it off in ten minutes?"
"It won't take that long, I promise. And is tomorrow afternoon OK for that report?"
The vet said to me "We found out what was wrong with your pig, It seems that he had holes carved in his back which were then filled with money. Luckily we can save him using surgery for roughly one thousand pounds."
I replied smiling "I knew it was a good idea"
My wife and I came home from a night out to find our fifteen year old son fast asleep on the settee.
"Seeing as he's fast asleep, do you want to, you know" my wife winked at me
"brilliant idea, love,what team do you want to be?" i replied while grabbing the xbox pad and putting FIFA on.
My remote died, so ordered some AA battery's on this German website.
Last time I order something online, turns out Flak wasn't the brand's name.
I got thrown out of JJB Sports yesterday.
20% off of head, isn't what I thought.
My mother used to smack me everytime I wet myself as a toddler.
She said it will help me control my bladder.
But when the reverse happens today I get restrained by the care home workers?
I just borrowed two grand from one of those 'payday loan' companies at 2700 percent APR.
I'll have the last laugh though; I don't have a job.
I think I'm finally getting the hang of being a policeman.
Just last week I was stationed at the city mall when a woman came up to me, screaming:
"Officer, I lost my son!"
I calmly put my hand on her shoulder and told her: "I'm sorry to hear that ma'am. Tonight in the pub, I'll drink one in his memory," and walked away.
My wife came in from work and asked me to crack her back for her as she was aching all over.
The paramedics said it was a really stupid idea to use a piece of scaffold.
I met this gorgeous girl and we hit it off immediately.
"I have to warn you though," she said, "I'm a nymphomaniac."
"That's OK," I said, "I'll make sure you don't set any houses on fire."
I was chatting to a girl in the pub last night. Chancing my arm, I said, "I've got millions in the bank, sleep with me and I'll share some of it with you." Amazingly she agreed.
After making love to her back at my place, she was stood at the side of the bed looking at me. I said, "Do you want something?"
She said, "The money you promised me."
I said, "Sorry love, I ment the sperm bank, and I've just given you a large deposit."
This shady looking fellow stopped me on a side street today and told me he could get me Speed for 20.
Now I love Sandra Bullock as much as the next man, but 20 for a 15 year old movie is not my idea of a good deal.
I went to my local race night last night.
Apparently this doesn't mean shouting at black people all evening.