I was sat on a busy train with my satchel on the seat next to me. An old woman approached and said sarcastically, "Your bag must be exhausted".
"Sorry" I replied. "I'll move it".
So I turned to my pregnant wife standing nearby and suggested she check the next carriage.

I got thrown out of a restaurant in America the other day.
Apparently it wasn't the kind of tip she wanted.

After being late for three days in a row my boss went,"Three days now,don't you have a watch?"
I went,"No but I do have a broken stopwatch."
He went," That doesn't count."
I went,"I know but it used to."

I saw a man wandering into the woods behind my house last night wearing an old hockey mask and carrying a machete.
Hope he found his way home...poor fella.

I was building a Sleigh in Lap Land last night, when a Chinese woman approached me and said, "Excuse me, are you Finnish?"
I said, "No, I've only just started!"

I just went to the shop and brought Flora light.
Now I can see my margerine in the dark.

My local estate agent offered to sell my house for free.
Now I have no money and nowhere to live.

My wife said, "You can win free shoes for a year @shoezone.com."
I said, "That's ok if you're Heather Mills, I suppose."

Excitedly, I asked my dad if he could play T-rex for me. Smiling, he went to the cd player and started playing this 70's groove called 'Get it on' as he bopped up and down singing the words and gliding across the floor, as if he was some sort of rock god.
I don't think he noticed as I slipped back upstairs, clutching my cuddly dinosaur toy.

I can't believe that Ken Barlow has admitted to sleeping with over 1000 women.
Poor Deirdre must be mortified.

I went camping for the first time today and my mate asked me to build a camp fire.
So before lighting it, I painted all the firewood pink and arranged it to look like a limp wrist.

My son came home in tears after school.
He said, "I got bullied today, the children stuck my head down a badger's hole."
"Right," I angrily replied, "Tell me where they live!"
He said, "They're on the school field."

I saw an old lady who had dropped her purse. She tried so hard bending over to pick it up when she saw me and asked "excuse me young man, would you mind?"
Without hesitating I said "Of course", put my hands behind her head and forced her to bend all the way down.

My brother lost his job last month. I texted him yesterday to ask what he wants for his birthday.
'Couple of bucks would certainly come in handy,' he replied.
Two quid it is, then.

The Wife Said She Was Leaving Me To Become A Hooker...
I Wonder What Rugby Team She's Gonna Play For?

I thought I'd see what all the fuss is about, and try snorting some 'bath salts' to get high.
All that happened was I got myself kicked out of The Body Shop.

A homeless man approached me today and said, "Have you got the price of a cup of tea mate?"
I replied, "Yeah, It's 50p at that cafe across the road."

I'm all for disabled athletes being treated equal, but I can't help feeling that some get an advantage.
I just heard that for the South African relay team tomorrow, Oscar Pistorious is going to being running a 3rd leg.

Drinking 'no more tears' shampoo has actually taken my mind off of being depressed!
And put it on vomitting, diarrhea, and stomach cramps.

My friends and I were sat chatting about women and what size clothes they wear.
"I prefer my women in a size ten" said one guy.
"oh, I like a nice comfy 14, what about you?" another asked me,
"I like age 8/9". Was my reply.
I was asked to leave.

There's a new movie coming out about the Rapture today.
Apocalypse Not Now.

I wouldn't go on the dole for all the money in the world.

The optician in Specsavers led me to the examination room. When we got inside she, turned off the light and sat directly across from me. She then smiled at me, asked me to put my chin on some sort of head rest and mentioned something about a 'blowing sensation'
And that, your honour, is why I thought she wanted me to remove my trousers

I was holding my best mates baby today. As the baby started to scream the wife chuckled,"Ha-ha" she said, "I think she's saying 'Put me down now'"
I said, "Alright, you're ugly."

I got talking to one of my friends and I was saying how my son has a lot in common with Billy Elliot...
"Has he started dancing?" My mate said
"No" I replied, "I used his dead mum's piano as firewood."