I took my wife to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
Afterwards as we waited for the bill she said, "That waiter was really polite and helpful. You should leave a tip for him."
So I spilled my coffee on the tablecloth and threw a few biscuits around.
Paddy is sitting at the bar looking depressed when his mate Liam comes in.
"What's up then, Paddy?"
"Just failed my driving test," says Paddy. "I got to this roundabout with a roadsign that said 30, y'know? So I drove round it 30 times."
"So how come you failed?" says Liam. "Did you miscount?"
A dictionary walks into a bar.
He goes up to the barman and bursts into tears.
"What's wrong?" Asks the barman.
"I'm crying my eyes out here and all you care about is using me for definitions!"
"Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me"
"Sting?" My wife asked
"No you stink" I snapped.
I went to the shops to buy some mint chocolates, but I didn't know what to get.
I spoke to the woman on the till. She said: "Do you like hard cores or the softer type?"
"Both, but I'm after the mints, love."
I arrived at work this morning to be met by my boss who said he would really like to see me.
I said "I'm really flattered, but sorry, I'm straight."
Just bought my third replica shirt from my beloved football club in kent after the first two got destroyed.
Finally learned my lesson though, never go home to my wife holding a bag with the initials KFC across it and not have any chicken.
I decided to have a gin and tonic earlier.
"Gordon's?" asked the barman.
"I'd prefer to have my own," I said.
I was suspended from work today after dress down thursday.
That,and banned from working with any of the women I de clothed during the course of the day.
"What's the matter love,you look really fed up?"I asked the girlfriend earlier.
"I feel like I'm living with a child."She moaned."When are you gonna man up and make an honest woman of me?"
"Well maybe this'll cheer you up."I said,grinning,and handed her a ring.
She immediately stood up,threw it back at me and ran out of the room sobbing.
Well pardon me for breathing! I thought to myself as I popped a fried egg in my mouth.
My mate asked me if I ever gambled.
I replied "Yes, every time I get a pie from the chippy"
Me and my wife were in Saudi Arabia and after seeing some temple she exclaimed " well, stone me!"
It was a shame that those Arabians did it before me.
My wife went absolutely ballistic when she got a tax bill for200, shouting, swearing & screaming like a lunatic.
I'm not playing Monopoly with her any more.
Don't you just hate it when you're clothes shopping on the Internet and you see something you like only to find on closer inspection it's for women.
It was such a nice bikini.
The cost of living is very high in a household like mine....
My kids have had to get jobs selling lemonade and if they don't give me all the money they earn, they die.
I took part in an egg-and-spoon race and won it with ease.
Those eggs and spoons had no chance against me.
My mate phoned me up the other day, and said "have you been watching the ladies Ryder cup, its brilliant?"
I was disappointed when I found out it was Golf.
My baby sister has gone missing and apparently it's my fault.
My Mum asked me to babysit whilst she nipped out and I made it very clear that I don't mind.
Wife: I don't know what to get for stocking fillers.
I was in a pub in Aberdeen sitting beside a very quiet bloke.
"Nice bar, eh?" I said, just being friendly.
"Aye ..." comes the reply.
"Great selection of single malts up there, eh?"
"And they have a great taste in music. Very cool stuff. Like it?"
"Friendly bar staff, too. Bit of a looker that barmaid, eh?"
"What's the food like?"
"Aye ... no unnerstann you. I Lithuania ..."
I got half way through my barista course, using all the charm and arrogance required.
Then I discovered that this wouldn't get me recognised before any law court in the land.
Me and the lads were on a night out. Steve was dressed as Spiderman, Dave came as Buzz Lightyear, Joe was a Smurf, and I came in a flowing satin and embroidered ball gown.
"So, what you come as?" they asked.
"I was going to say the same to you. The email clearly stated that the theme was fancy dress!"
Bob goes to the dog's home and asks the guy in charge:
"That big Alsatian there looks friendly, but does he like small children?"
"He loves 'em," says the guy, "but it'd be a lot cheaper to buy him proper dog food."
I took my new girlfriend to the cinema yesterday. As soon as the lights went dark, I started kissing her neck and gently fingering her.
A Mum with her two young kids was sat behind me and started tutting. After a while she said, "Do you mind. There are children here!"
"I'm sorry" I said, "but they can wait their turn!".
I phoned up my physiotherapist earlier to get advice on new exercises.
'Whats the best way to do chin-ups?' I asked.
'Hang on a minute...'
'Cheers,' I said and hung up.