My wife has left me. We had a huge row about how I didn't support her and her attempts to quit drugs.
I probably shouldn't of ended it with ''Take a chill pill!''

I regularly go to protests and rallies covered in salt, pepper, vinegar or various other herbs and spices.
What can I say, I'm a seasoned campaigner.

There's a poster at the bus stop across my street that says, "Keep Calm and Carry On".
I don't think I've seen that one. I wonder if Sid James is in it?

An attractive woman came into my bank today with financial issues.
"I really want to get you alone" I smirked, as I told her to follow me.
But after I took her out back and started to feel her up, I realised she was just looking for a loan.

My mate asked me if I fancied doing a bit of early morning poaching.
I got round to his this morning with all my fishing gear, and he's just sat there in his kitchen with a pan of boiling water and half a dozen eggs.

I was walking down the street when a tramp came up to me and asked if I had 10p for a cup of coffee.
I replied "Here's 20. get me one."

My mum was impressed with my newly completed bathroom, but suggested I get a toilet brush? I'm not so sure.. having used it for the first time today, I can honestly say I prefer toilet paper.

A little boy goes to his dad and says, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"
His father replies, "Sure, son. What is it?"
The little boy says "What's a Manager?"
"Well," the father began "a manager is someone who makes important decisions at work, who helps others learn and develop and who takes the flack when things go wrong. Why do you ask son?"
"When Uncle Tony and Uncle Andrew were round yesterday I heard them talking." The young lad says. "They said that Mum is a bit of a handful for one man, but together they could probably manager."

The wife just text me, "Why don't you book next week off work and have a holiday"
"Are you sure? ,What about the kids?" I texted back.
"It's ok, you need a break, my mums having them" she replied.
"Brilliant, I'll see if the lads are up for golf somewere sunny. Enjoy whatever you get up too whilst I'm away x"

"We're going to Majorca," I said to my wife, "I've just booked it with Thomas Cook."
"Fantastic," she smiled, "So when are we going?"
"You're staying here love, me and Thomas fly out next Friday."

Woman: Oh my god, I love your hair!
Me: Thanks, I grew it myself.
Then I calmly pulled up my trousers and went about my day.

My 18 month old son has discovered the joys of chocolate but can only call it 'coc'.
Got some funny looks in the newsagents today, when he was screaming out for some and I replied to his cries, " Son, you're going to have to wait. I'll give you some coc when we get home."

The Wife rang me Earlier
"Its Ash Wednesday, do you want Fish Fingers later?"
"No" I replied "Can you have a shower first"

If someone says 'I love you' and you don't feel the same way, say 'I love YouTube' really fast!

At 79, I'm still making rampant love.
I just hope the neighbours at 77 aren't too disturbed.

Indian names aren't always read as they appear.
I am now banned from Mr S. Pastik's convenience store.

I was reading the nutritional information on a pack of American oranges. It said "Fat = 0mg".
No wonder they're all obese.

I was washing the car with my son earlier,
He didn't make a very good sponge...

I saw an old lady struggling to get on the coach.
"Excuse me," she said, "Could you help me with my case."
"Sorry love," I replied, "But I can recommend a good lawyer."

I stood my girlfriend up so I could go to the fairground with my mates.
When she found out, she stormed up to me in the rollercoaster queue and screamed.
"It's me or the rollercoaster?"
I relpied. "Calm down, can I have one last ride?"
"Ok" She snapped.
So, like she agreed, I took her behind the dodgems and rode her.

I've realised that the problem with encouraging guys to follow their dreams is that they could get arrested for stalking.

The other day my car kept stalling whenever I went to take off. So I phoned my dad and he asked me what gear I was in.
I replied "Just my jeans and t-shirt"

Radio Voice: and the two men come together and shake hands ....... now that's what you call a sticky situation

When I was a kid my Mum always used to say
"Be a good boy and go and play with all the other children".
I can't be blamed for her not telling me when to stop.

Coffee is for Cups
See, just doesn't have the same effect does it?